Author Archive: directorifi

If I forgive my own child for misbehavior I am concerned that this is giving the wrong message. I might be creating a sense of entitlement for that child who now comes to expect forgiveness and so continues to misbehave.

As you forgive, be sure to included justice as well.  Yes, forgive when you are feeling resentful, but then ask something of the child so that correction occurs.  When you ask for fairness when you are less angry, then what you ask may be even more fair than if you ask when fuming with anger.

Anger Begets More Anger

…….and then on it goes….in the person’s own life….and then passed to the children…..who pass this to their children…….

I have been thinking lately about the destructive consequences of intense, abiding anger. Here is a new thought for me: When people are very angry, that anger becomes a barrier to even considering forgiving…..even to a little degree. In other words, upon hearing the word “forgiveness,” the person’s anger kicks in so that any exploration of what forgiveness is or whether it is worth a try is shut down.

The anger, in other words, acts as a barrier to healing the anger itself. As an analogy, it is as if a person has a bacterial infection and every time the person holds an antibiotic in his or her hand, the bacteria themselves reach up and snatch the medicine out of the hand, preventing healing.

I think there are many barriers that anger presents. First, as mentioned above, it prevents thinking about forgiving. Then I think the
anger leads to anger against the messenger, the one who brought up forgiveness in the first place.

Finally, I think the anger stimulates thinking such as this: There…I showed that person! He cannot get away with
discussing forgiveness in my presence!

The anger justifies keeping forgiveness away and the messenger away.

Perhaps a way out of this is calm reflection on this question: Am I now so angry that the anger is working against my own healing and against my interactions with those who can aid that healing?

Robert

I think that offenses against children are the worst because they are innocent persons who could carry their hurt into adulthood, compromising health and relationships. How can we go about helping children to forgive if they have not yet had serious unfairness against them?

We have teacher guides for forgiveness education in which the teacher gives the forgiveness instruction through stories.  As children and adolescents see how story characters resolve conflicts and do the inner transformation of forgiveness, then they have models of how to forgive.  It is important that students are not pressured to forgive, but are drawn to it if they wish to try it.

What Is Your Goal When You Forgive?

Here is your multiple choice exam for the question above:

Please check all that apply to you.

I forgive:

• to feel better
• to repair a relationship
• to grow in character because forgiveness makes me a better person
• to be of help to the one who hurt me
• to show my children, or others who are important to me, that forgiveness is important
• to help even in a little way to make a better world, which forgiving others does by reducing conflict and trying to create more peace
• to exercise goodness as an end in and of itself because forgiveness is good
• to honor my religious tradition which highly values forgiving
• to love because to forgive on its deepest level is to love another who is not loving me, at least in terms of the actions of unfairness

How many did you choose and why?

If you had to choose only one which typically characterizes you, which one is that?

If you had to choose only one which you think is the morally highest reason for forgiving, which one would you choose?

On which of the nine choices do you need to train your mind and heart more strongly so that you can consistently see, appreciate, and practice this one?

Robert

Does an act of forgiving lead almost automatically to feelings of positivity or does it only open the door to the potential for feeling more positively? Can one still feel positively without forgiving?

Although some people can begin to feel quite good upon starting to forgive another, these positive feelings can take time because the process of forgiving itself can take time. So, it is typical that a decision to forgive can and does open the door to feeling well, but we then need patience to keep on the path of forgiveness. As we do that, anger begins to diminish and feelings of well-being begin to emerge. Even if the anger does not go away entirely, many people then say that their anger no longer controls them.

Can people feel well if they do not forgive? This depends on the severity of the offense. If the offense is profound and shocking, then a person may not feel well in a general and on-going sense without forgiveness. I do not say that to put pressure on anyone to forgive. I say it, instead, because this is what I observe in those with extremely challenging injustices against them.