Author Archive: directorifi

From the reading I have done, it seems that forgiving others for specific hurts will reduce anger in the one who forgives. Yet, what if someone seems to be an angry person generally without a specific other in mind to forgive. Will learning how to forgive be as effective for this person as for another who knows precisely who hurt her and what that injustice is?

If someone seems to be generally angry and is not able to specify at whom or toward what she is angry, this does not necessarily mean that no such person or event(s) exist.  Sometimes people are in denial about their anger and think it is part of their general personality or think that they inherited a sensitive nervous system.  Yet, with further exploration, usually it is possible to identify a person or persons or some event(s) that have made the person resentful.  My advice is to work with the person, if she wishes, to uncover from the past that which is making her so angry so much of the time.  There usually is a reason for it tied to something that has happened in the person’s life.

Even if a child learns how to forgive through forgiveness education, is it possible that if something horrific happens to him in adulthood then he might find it impossible to forgive, even with that prior training?

Yes, it is possible that even with the best of training, someone as an adult might decide not to forgive someone for a horrific injustice.  After all, forgiveness is a choice. Yet, even if the person refuses to forgive, this does not mean that this is his final word on the matter. With time, the person may decide to forgive. We have to be gentle with anyone in such a difficult situation.

Love Is Stronger than Cruelty, Persecution, and Oppression

That is the basic and profound message of the act of forgiving. The other is cruel to me.  This will not take away my humanity. I will strive to love that person nonetheless. The other is persecuting me, depriving me of my rights, insulting and belittling me. This will not stop me from loving the other, from seeing the other’s humanity, from offering her a better way. The other oppresses me with his power. He dominates me and treats me as being far less than him. I will not do the same back to him. Instead, I will try to love and not lose my humanity in the process, nor will I lose the perspective of her full humanity.

Yes, I will protect myself by not reconciling as he exercises cruelty or persecution or oppression. I will bring forgiveness alongside justice and never give up striving for fairness. Throughout this struggle, I will continue to love because to forgive on its highest level is to love. Love is stronger than cruelty, persecution, and oppression.

Robert

I work in my therapeutic practice with people who are anxious and depressed. Most do not have the insight that others in their life, by treating them unfairly, have played a part in the anxiety and depression. What would you suggest as a way to get started in helping my clients to see that others’ unfairness may be a central cause of this anxiety or depression?

I would recommend, when the client is ready, that deep anger from others’ injustices can cause anxiety and depression in some cases. Then I would present the Forgiveness Landscape questionnaire from my book, The Forgiving Life, as an exercise for the client. This questionnaire leads a person to reflect on all who have very deeply hurt him or her from childhood to the present. The client then ranks the people from the deepest hurting to the least (but still in the context of being treated very unfairly). Those at the top of the hurt-list are the ones who could be contributing to the anxiety and depression because of their past unfair actions against your client.

On Forgiveness and Free Will

If it is assumed that all behavior can be explained only by material causes such as brain neurotransmitters, then we must realize the consequences of this assumption. The central consequence would be the invalidation of any moral concepts such as “right and wrong,” “justice,” and “forgiveness” because these concepts suggest that there is a person making his or her own decisions on matters involving other people.

How can one even consider forgiving someone “who just could not help it” because of a particular brain function? The short answer is that we cannot even consider forgiving in such a scenario because to forgive is to say to oneself, in one form or another: “He did wrong, and in that wrong he hurt me. I will now try to show love for this person who acted badly.”

Robert

Enright, Robert (2015-09-28). 8 Keys to Forgiveness (8 Keys to Mental Health) (pp. 98-99). W. W. Norton & Company. Kindle Edition.