Author Archive: directorifi
Comfort or Challenge?
One of the most popular images in all of philosophy is Plato’s cave. He challenges us to go beyond what we know in that cave, to the sunlight, to knowledge that goes beyond the conventional, beyond the ordinary.
I now wonder where modern societies fall when it comes to the question: Should we put more energy and effort into making our cave comfortable, or should we deliberately challenge ourselves, to be open to the unusual, to the risks that can bring suffering as we stretch ourselves to grow?
Forgiveness is one of those developments in life that challenges us. It does so by asking us to strive to understand those who have not understood us. Forgiveness challenges us to suffer as we try to bear the pain of what happened to us so that we do not pass that pain to others. Forgiveness challenges us to understand and to act upon the paradox that as we are good to those who were not good to us, healing can occur within our hearts.
And yet, I wonder. How much of a challenge is modern man willing to endure, given that he can slink back into the man-cave, pop a cold one, and turn on any number of distractions from the pain.
Does modern cave dwelling help us to become better forgivers…….or does it soothe us to the point of not accepting the challenge?
Robert
What is the appeal of anger that it can become a habit, almost an addiction. Can suppressed or passive anger become like this, too?
I think the appeal is the adrenaline rush, the feeling of being wide awake and in control, the feeling that others will not take advantage of me. All of this is reasonable if it is within reasonable bounds. By that I mean that the anger is not controlling you, which can happen as people fly out of control with a temper that then is hard to manage. A habit of anger, when intense, is hard to break, but it can be done with a strong will, the practice of forgiveness, and an awareness of how the anger-habit has compromised one’s life. Passive anger can be habit-forming as well and that is a more difficult habit to break if the person is unaware of it. Insights of unhappiness or of reduced energy can be clues to people that they are harboring passive anger in need of healing.
Forgiving others for injustices that have fostered this kind of anger is an important step in curing the anger.
Forgiveness Becomes Her Passion: “Replace Hate with Love”
Carly Elms is a determined woman, a well-educated and experienced therapist, and a disciple of “forgiveness therapy” as developed and proven by Dr. Robert Enright, the founder of the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI) and a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
“Forgiveness is the only way to move through the anger and pain of even the most horrible wrongs,” according to Elms, “and to not let hate consume the rest of a life.”
Carly R. Elms, M.Ed., LMSW, CRC
Elms holds two master’s degrees. Along with her Masters in Clinical Social Work (MSW), she has a Masters of Education in Educational & Counseling Psychology (M.Ed.). She is a certified rehabilitation counselor (CRC), with experience as a trauma therapist, counselor for the blind, transition counselor for youth with disabilities, a service-disabled veteran of the U.S. Air Force, and a fanatic about forgiveness therapy.
Last fall, Elms opened the Franciscan Forgiveness Center on the grounds of the Sisters of St. Francis of the Holy Eucharist in Independence, MO, to help victims recover their lives from even the worst thing that could possibly happen to them.
“It’s a place of healing,” Elms said of the peaceful grounds where she has her office and where she also teaches the Sisters about forgiveness. “And that’s what forgiveness is. It is healing.”
Elms said she became a disciple of Dr. Enright’s forgiveness model after reading his popular self-help book Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. Inspired by what she read, Elms then enrolled in the IFI’s online Continuing Education Course: Helping Clients Forgive. She completed the course with the highest score ever recorded at the IFI.
Elms’ philosophy is simple (though easier said than done): Replace hate with love.
“You have a right to be angry if someone does something wrong to you,” Elms said. “But there really can’t be anything good that comes out of that. All that anger is the desire for revenge.”
“Revenge won’t heal a broken heart. The ability to forgive and to love will.”
Read more about Carly Elms:
» Replace hate with love: forgive and heal, an article in The Catholic Key Online.
» Carly Elms, M.Ed., LMSW, CRC; Franciscan Forgiveness Center, a review on CatholicTherapists.com.
How can families persevere in practicing forgiveness. My worry within my own family is that as I introduce the idea of forgiveness people may get initially excited and then it just fades away.
Perseverance in the practice of forgiveness takes a strong will. Do you have that strong will to quietly and gently and without force keep the message alive that you value forgiveness and would like it to be a part of your family? As an analogy, starting a fitness program is good, but continuing with it is even better. How do people continue? They establish routines; they enjoy the kind of exercise that they do; they create an expectation for themselves to continue. The same can occur with becoming forgivingly fit.
How can I be a bearer of light to families about forgiveness and its importance within family life?
You are asking how you can disseminate information that forgiveness is important for families to practice. I would start with any groups to which you belong. Are there civic groups in which you are a member? What about a place of worship? You could arrange for a guest speaker or a film on the importance of forgiveness so that members of your group see: what forgiveness is, that it is important, and that it is possible to consistently practice forgiveness within the family. I wish you the very best in your courageous adventure to help families.
