Author Archive: directorifi
When Is Doing “Enough” Sufficient?
I was talking recently with someone who works with caretakers of those who are ill. The insight from the conversation is this: Many caretakers have a sense that they did not do enough. They need to forgive themselves. Self-forgiveness implies that you have broken a moral standard; you have offended yourself and perhaps others.
I am not so sure that self-forgiveness is the appropriate response in many of these situations, where the caretaker feels guilty about not doing enough. I say this because we always can do more…..and more…..and more. When is it sufficient to say, “I have tried hard. I have done my best as an imperfect person. It is time to accept my limitations”?
If we move too quickly to self-forgiveness, then we are not giving ourselves sufficient time to ask this: Maybe I have false guilt here. Maybe I was expecting the person whom I am serving to get much better and that did not happen. Maybe I am tying my efforts to the other’s biological challenges, with the incorrect view that I have not done enough if the other does not get better. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, people do not become physically healthy. Sometimes the other does pass away.
It seems to me that many people, who do courageous care-taking of others, need to see this and not self-forgive, but instead challenge their own view that their care-taking was not enough.
Yes, at times, people missed an opportunity to serve well. At these times self-forgiveness is appropriate. Yet, I think this is more prevalent: At even more times, people have done the best they can. The healthy response then is to humbly accept one’s limitations, refrain from self-forgiving, and to say, “I have done enough. It is sufficient.”
Robert
Editor’s Note: Learn more about self-forgiveness in either of Dr. Enright’s books 8 Keys to Forgiveness or Forgiveness Is a Choice.
Just Released: New Training Video by Dr. Enright – “Forgiveness Therapy in Practice”
Forgiveness is the process of uncovering and letting go of anger at someone who has caused pain. This process can be the path to healing in many situations, as anger is frequently at the core of a client’s issues and may be the center of a number of disorders.
The forgiveness therapy model is flexible enough to be integrated into any therapeutic approach. Fostering forgiveness in therapy involves uncovering the depth of the client’s anger, obtaining commitment to forgive, and working on being able to forgive. The final phase of this therapy is the discovery of meaning in what has been suffered, finding a new purpose in life, and exploring one’s own faults and the need to be forgiven by others.
In this 100-minute video program, Dr. Enright demonstrates his approach to forgiveness therapy with a female client who feels hurt by her mother.
This video, produced by the APA, is not available for sale on this website.
Order exclusively from:
“Forgiveness is a decision. . . a daily decision.”
WOWO News-Talk Radio, Indianapolis, Ind., USA – A 28-year-old mother was fatally shot during an apparent robbery at her home in Indianapolis last November. Police say she was beaten and sexually assaulted before she was killed.
Amanda Blackburn was 12-weeks pregnant with her second child at the time of her death. Now, Amanda’s husband, Davey Blackburn, says he has decided to forgive the three men charged in her death.
“What I realized was that forgiveness isn’t an emotion. I wasn’t ever going to feel like forgiving them,” Blackburn said. “Just point blank: You’re never going to feel like forgiving someone for doing something to you that’s irreparable.”
Blackburn added, “What I realized is that forgiveness is a decision. And it’s not just a one-time decision. It’s a daily decision. I have to wake up and I have to decide to forgive. And here’s why I decided to decide to forgive. It’s because bitterness and unforgiveness is going to be a cancer to no one else except for me. And it’s going to eat me up inside if I hold on to that.”
Blackburn, who helped found Resonate Church in Indianapolis in 2012, also said he hopes he can eventually share his faith with the three accused men.
Read more:
» Husband of slain Indianapolis wife says he will forgive accused killers » Memorial For Slain Indianapolis Woman Draws More Than 2K People
“Forgiveness Is Unfair Because It Puts the Burden of Change onto the Victim”
I heard this statement from a person who holds a considerable degree of academic influence. The learned scholar, however, did not give a learned response as I will show in this little essay.
Suppose that Brian is driving his car and is hit by a drunk driver. Brian’s leg is broken and he must undergo surgery and subsequent rehabilitation therapy if he again will have the full use of his leg. What happened to him was unjust and now the burden of getting back a normal leg falls to him. He has to get the leg examined, say yes to the surgery, to the post-surgical recovery, and to months of painful rehab. The “burden of change” specifically when it comes to his leg is his and his alone.
Yes, the other driver will have to bear the burden of paying damages, but this has no bearing on restoring a badly broken leg. Paying for such rehabilitation is entirely different from doing the challenging rehab work itself.
Suppose now that Brian takes the learned academic’s statement above to heart. Suppose that he now expects the other driver to somehow bear the burden of doing the rehab. How will that go? The other driver cannot lift Brian’s leg for him or bear the physical pain of walking and then running. Is this then unfair to Brian? Should we expect him to lie down and not rehab because, well, he has a burden of restoring his own leg? It would seem absurd to presume so.
Is it any different with injustice requiring the surgery and rehab of the heart? If Melissa was unfairly treated by her partner, is it unfair for Melissa to do the hard work of forgiveness? She is the one whose heart is hurting. The partner cannot fix the sadness or confusion or anger……even if he repents. Repentance will not automatically lead to a restored heart because trust must be earned little by little. As Melissa learns to trust, she still will need the heart-rehab of forgiveness (struggling to get rid of toxic anger and struggling to see the worth in one who saw no worth in her) that only she can do. Once hurt by another, it is the victim who must bear the burden of the change-of-heart.
We must remember: The rehab and recovery are temporary. If the forgiver refuses to engage in such recovery, then the injurer wins twice: once in the initial hurt and a second time when the injured refuses to change because of a woeful misunderstanding that he or she must passively wait for someone else to bear the burden of change for him or her.
Ideas have consequences. Bad ideas tend to have bad consequences. Learned academics are not necessarily learned in all subjects across all cases.
Robert
I am about to start with the forgiveness process, but I wonder if my problem allows it. What if you are harassed by others, your reputation is being destroyed and you are sabotaged in every way and it is still ongoing? Would you recommend trying to end that relationship before you start to forgive or is forgiveness the key to end it? And is the guide in the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, also working for this sort of problem? Have you experiences with forgiveness and mobbing given that it is quite epidemic nowadays?
We recommend first protecting yourself. Try to end the interactions with those who are, in your words, mobbing you. Once you are safe from further harm, then you can begin the forgiveness process.
Yes, we have encountered this kind of injustice. As you are seeing, it is more involved than forgiving one person for one injustice. We recommend that you first forgive one person in this mob (and not the one who has hurt you the most deeply; you need a chance to slowly learn to forgive). Then, when you have forgiven this one person, start to forgive another and then another, one at a time. You may have to go back to those whom you have forgiven as anger emerges again, but this is often the case with people who practice forgiveness.
Please be gentle with yourself as you work through these multiple layers of forgiveness. We are here if you have further questions.
