Author Archive: directorifi

On Trauma and Forgiveness

I have had a deep trauma in experiencing physical abuse in my former marriage. I am worried that forgiveness will open the wound again, something I certainly do not want.  What do you suggest?

When you forgive, you do not have to re-visit the details of the physical abuse. Forgiveness asks you to label what happened as wrong. You will have no problem in so identifying what you experienced. Once you label the behaviors as wrong, you then make a decision about whether or not to forgive: to examine the one who abused you as a person (not evil incarnate), to be open to softer emotions toward him, to offer mercy. None of these developments ask you to go back in time to visualize the trauma.

At times, some people need to go back to examine whether or not what happened to them was, in fact, unjust. For example, an adult brother yelled at his adult sister, but it was in a context of her pushing him very hard regarding how he handles his finances. This occurred at a time of high pressure for him. She at first thought what he did was insensitive and hurtful. Yet, she was not sure and so she examined the experience in more detail. Upon doing so, she realized that she played a large part in his frustration and decided not to forgive because he had an extenuating circumstance concerning his behavior. Yes, some people still would choose to forgive, but she did not. She came to the decision by careful examination of the event.

This is not the case for you. You know the abuse was wrong and so you can take the next step of deciding whether or not to forgive without examining any of the details of what happened.

Robert Enright

Editor’s Note: Learn more about the process of choosing to forgive in Dr. Enright’s self-help book Forgiveness Is a Choice.

Here is a weakness of forgiving: When in an abusive relationship, a forgiver tends to hold out too much hope for reconciliation. What do you think about this as a weakness?

Yes, I think you are seeing a weakness, not in forgiveness itself, but in the process of forgiveness. When another is unjust, the forgiver often does hold out hope that forgiveness will help the offending person to realize that wrong, change, and ask for forgiveness. Yet, this does not always work in this imperfect world. At the same time, even if the forgiver holds out a lot of hope, reality eventually will show him or her that the other refuses to cooperate. What has been lost is some time, but not one’s dignity or strength to love.

My father thinks that to forgive is a sign of weakness and tells his family members to retaliate with the fist rather than forgive. Is this helpful or harmful?

Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness when it is properly understood and practiced. It takes great courage to stand in love even when another person is being unjust. And we have to realize that forgiveness and justice do work together, not in isolation of one another. In a particular circumstance, if the only way to right a wrong is self-defense, and if “the fist” is the only way to protect oneself at the moment, then “the fist” might be part of a just-war, so to speak, but then forgiveness should be considered after the “war” is over.

The ancient Greeks such as Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle had a lot to say about the moral virtues, of which forgiveness is one. Yet, I do not read anything about forgiveness in Aristotle’s writings, for example. Did they miss the discussion of forgiveness?

Expanding Our Forgiveness Horizon

As we forgive one person, look what happens: a) We start to forgive others; b) We embody forgiveness, wanting to give it away to others; c) We see each person as special; d) Because forgiveness is part of love and beauty, we begin to love more deeply and to see the beauty of the world more clearly.

Forgiveness does not lessen what happened; it alters how we view the person in spite of what he or she did. It can alter how we see the world and how we interact with others. Forgiveness can give us our life back. It can be an offer to those who acted badly to change their lives so that love and beauty are expanded in their world as well.

Robert