Author Archive: directorifi

Hello, and thank you for this wonderful site! I’m writing an article about forgiveness, focusing on people who do the unimaginable: They forgive someone who murdered their child or loved one. In many months of interviewing these remarkable people, I’ve found that most of them are able to forgive because of an abiding religious faith. In many cases they are devout Christians, and they find enormous solace and healing through prayer, Scripture, and devotion. As one woman told me: “I never could have forgiven the killer without God.” Which leads me to wonder …. Is there a way to reach this place of forgiveness if you’re an atheist or an agnostic? I know the answer has to be yes! But am I right in thinking that the majority of forgiveness work does have a spiritual component? Thank you so much for your guidance. I’m very grateful for any perspective you might give.

You are right in that the majority of case studies, reported in the media, of people forgiving offenders for extreme cases of injustice seem to possess a deep faith.  If you look at the News items on this website, you will see many such cases.  Not all are Christian as seen, for example, in Eva Moses Kor’s forgiveness of Nazis who imprisoned her and her twin sister at Auschwitz. Mrs. Kor is Jewish.

Aristotle taught over 2,000 years ago that there are developmental movements in forgiveness from superficial to deep and profound.  Most people can forgive others for small issues and we have worked with people from various belief systems (and no belief at all) to forgive significant injustices.  Yet, the extreme injustices, again as reported in the media, do point to the theme of transcendence.  By “transcendence” I mean going beyond the material, the concrete, what can be sensed in this world, to something more—something bigger.  I think this theme of transcendence is important and worth taking seriously with regard to your question.  Those who see that there is more to the body, more to this life seem to have the capacity to transcend resentment in a way that, as you suggest, is surprising.

I am not implying that atheists or agnostics cannot or will not transcend in their forgiving.  I am saying that it may—it may—be harder for them to do so because materialistic philosophies do not assume that there is more beyond the physical bases of existence.

Nathaniel

Teaching can be a difficult profession—-the constant pressures to help students achieve, the layers of discipline from students’ inattention to downright disrespect, few breaks to prepare for the demanding instruction, and discouraged colleagues.

I struggled to get a doctoral degree so that I could try administration, but once I did achieve that educational milestone, the administrative door stayed closed for so long.  There seemed to be an implicit understanding that I first take an administrative position in one of the rougher areas of town which was something I did not want to do. So, I stayed at my present job and did not climb “the ladder of success.”

I had to forgive the system for creating this expectation that was not at all clear until I earned the degree.  I have forgiven and I am content serving the students as I teach rather than administrate.  The entire experience could have left me bitter, but it did not.  Forgiveness saved me from such bitterness.

I am in a relationship with a man who is constantly criticizing me. No matter how much I tell him that this is hurtful, he keeps at it. He does apologize and talks of his temper that he has modeled after his father. How many times do I have to forgive him? It is getting very wearying to keep forgiving him every day.

I am sorry that you are having to endure this criticism. I am sure this is very difficult. My first question concerns fairness. When you forgive, do you also ask for fairness? Forgiveness does not mean that we put up with unfair treatment. My second question concerns what forgiveness is. Are you responding mercifully to your husband? Are you excusing him as you forgive? Forgiveness does not find excuses. Regarding how long to forgive, if you are not in danger and if you are asking for fairness and if you are forgiving as a true expression of mercy and kindness toward him, then forgiveness can be a psychological protection for you. The hope is that your husband will respond to your call for him to stop, see your compassion, and then change for the better.

The Good Old School Days

OK, everyone, it is time to reflect on those good old school days of yore, those care-free days when everyone thought we did not have a care in the world. Yet, sometimes we carry burdens from those days and we do so in the silence of our own hearts. When was the last time that you, as an adult, had a discussion about your days in elementary, middle, or high school? When was the last time you had such a discussion with an emphasis on the emotional wounds you received back then? I am guessing that such discussion-times have been quite rare.

I wonder how many of you reading this still have some unresolved issues from the good-old-days. It is in school, within the peer group, at recess, on the sports team that our current sense of self is shaped, at least to a degree. Sometimes we are influenced by those days to a greater extent than we realize.

So, it is time for a little quiz. Please think about your days in school and see if you can identify one person who was unjust to you, so unjust that when you think about the person now, it hurts. This person is a candidate for your forgiveness. I have an important question for you: How has this person inadvertently influenced your own view of yourself? How has this person’s actions made you feel less than who you really are? Do you see that it is time to change that?

My challenge to you today is to take steps to forgive him or her for those behaviors long ago that have influenced you up to this very moment. It is time to take a better look at what happened, to forgive, and then to ask the question after you forgive: Who am I now as I admit to the injustice, admit to it negatively influencing how I have seen myself all these years, and who am I now as I stand in forgiveness?

Perhaps the good old days will seem a little brighter once you forgive. You will have lifted a silent burden.

Robert

Forgiveness Intervention Improves Health of Women with Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia News Today, Dallas, Texas – Fibromyalgia patients who suffered abuse during childhood achieved “significant improvements in forgiveness, anger and overall fibromyalgia health” after a forgiveness intervention administered as part of a new study conducted by the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI) and University of Wisconsin-Madison researchers.

Fibromyalgia is a medical disorder characterized by widespread chronic musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, stiffness and numbness in certain parts of the body, headaches, sleep disorder
and mood alterations. Fibromyalgia can affect people’s ability to conduct simple daily tasks, compromising their quality of life. Women are usually more affected than men.

Medical researchers believe that childhood abuse or trauma may change the body’s response to stress, potentially leading to the development of fibromyalgia. In fact, people with fibromyalgia have a higher prevalence of childhood abuse compared to the U.S. population in general.

According to the study, clinicians may be able to help patients cope with fibromyalgia through a forgiveness intervention and the changes that it induces in the patient’s mental and physiological state.

The study is entitled “A Forgiveness Intervention for Women With Fibromyalgia Who Were Abused in Childhood: A Pilot Study.” It was published in the September 2014 issue—Vol. 1(3), pages 203-217—of the journal Spirituality in Clinical Practice®, a publication of the American Psychological Association. Study team leaders were Dr. Robert Enright, founder of the IFI who has been studying forgiveness for more than 29 years, and Yu-Rim Lee, UW-Madison Department of Educational Psychology.

Read the full story: Forgiveness Intervention Helps Women with Fibromyalgia Abused During Childhood Improve their Condition.

Read the complete Fibromyalgia Study: A Forgiveness Intervention for Women With Fibromyalgia Who Were Abused in Childhood: A Pilot Study.