Author Archive: directorifi

Whenever I try to reconcile with my partner, I am reminded of the mean things that he did. It kind of sets back the reconciliation process. What do you recommend?

This is not uncommon. When the old feelings emerge as you try to reconcile, I recommend that you once again start the forgiveness process with this person and with a focus on the particular hurtful event. The more you go back to forgiving, the deeper the forgiveness tends to develop in you.

Does reconciliation require trust?

Reconciliation does require trust. If the other person has remorse (an inner sorrow for what he or she did), shows repentance (uses language to express that inner sorrow), and tries for recompense as best as he or she can under the circumstances, then trust can begin to build in you.

Can I forgive without trusting a person?

Yes, you can forgive without trusting a person. Oftentimes, we forgive people, but then do not trust them in certain areas where they have weaknesses. A compulsive gambler can be forgiven and yet you watch your wallet, as an example. It also can be the case in which you forgive a person whose character is weakened to such a degree that you cannot trust him or her in many areas. In such a case, you might forgive, but then not reconcile if he or she refuses to change and is a danger to you.

Is it even possible to forgive without reconciling? It seems to me that the resentment or at least some anger will always be present if there is not true reconciliation.

Yes, it is possible to forgive even if reconciliation is not possible. You can see the person as possessing inherent worth. You can feel some compassion for the person as a person, even in his or her weaknesses. Even if you have some anger left over, this does not mean you are unforgiving. People can forgive, reduce resentment, and still have some anger. As long as that anger is not dominating you and you are in control of that anger, you can be forgiving.

I don’t want anyone to hurt like I did. . .

Even before she reached her 18th birthday, Darlene J. Harris had been raped twice and survived several other near rapes–secrets she carried around with her for years and years. As a result, she suffered not only emotionally but also physically. Medical problems caused her to undergo several surgeries including a hysterectomy at the age of twenty-eight.

“My boundaries were destroyed and my trust was violated. Out of my fear of being hurt, and not feeling wanted, I clung to fear, anger, and shame,” Darlene says. “These emotions became my constant companions.”

But through her faith, an enlightening counselor, and forgiveness, Darlene turned her world around. Her recovery has led her to a full-time life of providing workshops for women on sexual abuse and molestation. Read her amazing story (an IFI exclusive) in her own words at Your Forgiveness Story. 

Today, Darlene is a sought-after speaker, author of “And He Restoreth My Soul,” and the developer/leader of workshops and retreats for women. She writes primarily on the topics of sexual abuse and molestation. 

To learn more about those topics, visit the website she created and manages: And He Restoreth My Soul. Her compilation book by the same name includes case histories and contributions from physiologists, prevention experts in the field, ministers, and other professional counselors. The book offers the guidance necessary to protect the abused and to counsel the abuser. It is available on Amazon.com.