Author Archive: directorifi
What if I reconcile with my former partner and then, at times, I am triggered by current behavior that reminds me of the past? I am kind of worried about that. Might my anger well up again and hurt the current relationship?
It is not uncommon to be what psychologists call classically conditioned to respond now in certain ways based on what you experienced in the past. I think it is good to anticipate this and be ready to forgive again for what happened in the past. Not one of us is a perfect forgiver, so you likely will have some anger left over from the past. Knowing the pathway of forgiving now will help you to get back on that path when you are, as you say, “triggered” now by behaviors that remind you of the past.
May I ask a further question? Yes, I did my “very best” at the time of the break-up with my partner and so we split. This now is a year later and I am seeing evidence that this former partner of mine has changed for the better. We are both still available. Can I somehow change the break-up, and how would forgiveness fit into that? Should I ask my former partner to forgive me for the break-up?
I think seeing if you can both work your way back together is reasonable, given your description of this person’s current behaviors. I do not think that you should ask for forgiveness for the break-up because you did nothing wrong in initiating it. In other words, you did not behave unjustly. The other person is going to have to own the unjust behavior from the past and see that you were behaving in a fair way by separating. The other will need the moral virtue of humility to accept what this person did as wrong in the past. If this occurs, then yes, both of you may be able to move on from there to a genuinely respectful relationship.
I did not reconcile with a partner who cheated on me. I did forgive. I then gave it much thought and concluded that this person just cannot be trusted and so I left. It has been about a year now and I am feeling guilty for leaving the relationship. Help!
Here is one way of reducing your guilt: It seems to me from your description of the issues that you did your very best. You were hurt. You forgave. You then gave it “much thought” to be sure that the other could not be trusted. You now have to work on this thought: You did your very best at the time and genuinely concluded that the other’s behavior was remaining unjust. Work on that thought. You likely will be able to go in peace because you did your best and gave yourself time to scrutinize what had happened and what likely will happen in the future.
Can there be such a thing as false reconciliation? In other words, can a person say, “Please forgive me. I will never do it again,” but then keep on doing the nonsense?
Yes, there definitely can be manipulations by some people, and a false apology is one of them. In such cases, the one hurt by the other often gets signals of insincerity coming from the other and even outright evidence of continued wrongdoing. This, of course, then makes genuine reconciliation more difficult in the future if the offending one truly repents because of the lack of trust built up during the time of false reconciliation. In other words, faking reconciliation by the offending person makes it hard for that person to receive an overture of reconciliation by the offended person in the future.
May I ask a further question about reconciliation? Suppose the one who behaved badly shows what you call the 3 R’s of remorse, repentance, and recompense. Yet, the one who was hurt does not want to reconcile. What is your advice in this circumstance?
If the one who behaved unjustly has truly changed and the one offended rejects this, it usually is the case that this latter person has not forgiven in a deep way and may need more time. This is a delicate matter in that we do not then want to put pressure on the person to forgive, but at least hold out the possibility that this will happen. Genuine forgiveness can open the door of the heart toward a true reconciliation when the offending person has changed for the better.
