Author Archive: doctorbobenright

Making a decision to go ahead and forgive is hard. Even when I try to “will” myself to forgive by saying over and over, I will forgive,” I have a hard time doing it. What can I do when I do not feel like forgiving so that I can make that important decision to go ahead?

To forgive is a difficult task and so we sympathize with you.  If you are having a hard time forgiving a particular person, try to forgive someone else first, someone who is less challenging because the injustice might not have been as severe.  As you learn the path of forgiveness and get better with practice, then turn your attention to the one who has hurt you so deeply that it is hard to start the process.  This kind of practice may help you work up to forgiving this one person who is posing such a challenge to you.

Mercy on the Hurting

Suppose that each of us had a little red light on the top of our heads.  Further suppose that whenever we are feeling beaten down by the injustice of another, that little red light started to blink.

What do you think?  Do you think there then would be mercy in the world as we, each of us, responded to the one whose light-of-pain was going off?

We all kind of hide behind a veneer of civility—well dressed, well mannered….and sometimes dying even a little bit inside.

No one sees the “dying even a little bit inside” because it is hidden.  Others really do not want to see it……It is an inconvenience to see it.

Yet, it is there…..for all of us at one time or another.

That little blinking red light would be a sign to us that we are all hurting.  It would be a concrete sign that mercy is necessary….even more so than civility.

That little red light would be our teacher….and perhaps soften our hearts…..and help us to learn that offering mercy should be our first response, not our last one after we all dress up in our finery, with our impeccable manners…..that keep the hurting invisible to us.

Try to see that little blinking red light on the top of each person’s head today even if it is not there.  Try to see it anyway.

Robert

What is the best way to become motivated to forgive? I need a little help in even starting because of all the hurt inside.

Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it is an expression of goodness toward other people (as is justice, kindness, and generosity).  Yet, one’s initial motivation can be one’s own inner emotional healing.  As long as you do not confuse what forgiveness **is** with this motivation, you should be fine.  As you continue with the forgiveness process, you will begin, even if slowly, to see the humanity in the one who hurt you.

On Lowered Expectations of Injustice

We can get so annoyed so easily.  A traffic jam….and we are annoyed.

A colleague late for the meeting…..and we are annoyed.

A spouse who is taking too long in the changing room at the clothing store…..and we are annoyed.

Spend a little time with a homeless person and then ask yourself if the above three are big or minor annoyances.  When I pass a homeless person, I can tell that he expects me to not see him.  He thinks he is invisible.

He is not.

Just yesterday, in leaving a restaurant with a good friend, there was a dear homeless person on the corner.  It was a cold evening.  He smiled.  We gave him our “take out box” and he beamed.  He laughed and with arms outstretched, he proclaimed, “God bless you.”

So amazing.  He has nothing….no home…..and he thinks he is invisible to the rest of the world.

Yet, he is rich because he has gratitude and love in his heart.

We decided, after having traversed a block on making our way to the safety and warmth of our homes, to turn back and give him some money along with the food.  He was eating, saw us coming, and with outstretched arms, welcomed us with a “God bless you.”

He seems to have no resentment in his heart…..even when outside….without a home…..in the cold of an early winter……even while seeing that others do not see him.

Robert

Note: We are filing this in the category of Famous People.  The homeless are not invisible and we did not want this uncategorized post to become invisible.

I hear the term “forgive and forget,” but I am unsure what the difference is between forgiving and forgetting. Can you shed some light on this? Thanks.

First, let us consider the term “to forget.”  It has at least two shades of meaning.  First, it can mean this: to put the hurtful event behind one so that it is not always front-and-center, causing strife in a relationship that needs to be nurtured.  Second, it can mean a kind of moral amnesia in which the forgiver fails to consider issues of justice and therefore is prone to being hurt again.  When people “forgive and forget” they try to do the first and avoid the second meaning of the term “to forget.”  When we forgive we not only put the hurtful event behind us but also we acknowledge the personhood in the one who was unfair to us.  So, “to forget” centers on the hurtful event; “to forgive” centers on the person who acted in such a way as to create the hurtful event.