Author Archive: doctorbobenright
Thanksgiving Is Coming: Three Ways to Avoid the Family Dreads
In the United States, Thanksgiving is celebrated annually on the fourth Thursday of November. It is a custom going back to the 17th century when immigrants and those native to this land celebrated together with a feast. The tradition has continued for about 300 years.
Yesterday, while teaching a class on the psychology of forgiveness, I mentioned that next week the students likely will be getting together with family and extended family. Some of the students rolled their eyes, others groaned (as civilly as they could within a classroom setting, but the pain was obvious).
So, how can we avoid the “family dreads,” the restless, uncomfortable feeling of being face-to-face once again with those who have caused hurt and toward whom there may be some resentment?
Here are three suggestions:
1. First, acknowledge the pain. Do not run from it. After all, pain is a speedy little thing and always seems to be right behind us no matter how hard we run.
2. Practice now to see the inherent worth in that person. That person has a built-in value even when behaving badly. All people are unique, special, and irreplaceable. Start realizing that now before you pass the mashed potatoes to him or her.
3. Stop the pattern of treating this person as if he or she were invisible. Make eye contact. Smile (after all, this is a person who is special, unique, and irreplaceable). You need not say a thing. The eye contact and smile may be a good start.
And enjoy the journey that is life. That journey was never supposed to be pain-free. You can reduce the pain in you, and perhaps in the other, by recognizing the humanity in the other. They are not invisible to you. Show that you see them…and that they are special despite hurtful patterns in the past.
Robert
Eileen Timmins
My body experienced a “dis-ease” from my lack of forgiving. Understanding the Act of Forgiveness and how it can change your life is my message. Here is an article I wrote sharing my story:
The Act of Forgiveness: Learning How to Forgive
“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” ~ Alexander Pope
There is one golden rule of happiness that sounds so simple but is often drowned out in the chaotic noise of our lives: “Treat others like you would like to be treated”.
We need to cultivate the ability to forgive others as well as ourselves in order to live in harmony.
Throughout our lives we may find ourselves in a position that requires us to think about forgiveness, and we do not always know how best to do that. There are three types of forgiveness, forgiving the self, those that have been harmed by our actions, and forgiving of others that have harmed us. To capture the essence from the transformation of forgiveness, the emotional steps occur:
Understand your actions;
Resolve to change;
Right the wrong;
Apologize;
Heal the damage.
“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” ~ Robert Muller
These steps are challenging, I know from personal experience. It takes great courage and strength to follow them. To me it was transformational, a healing journey to release wrongs. The wrongs that I held against myself, the wrongs inflicted upon me from others and wrongs I inflicted upon others. Reaching out and moving forward to release these fears, past hurts, resentments, anger and judgments will change your life. By forgiving you are releasing the initial harm. The real gift comes from releasing the second harm the energy you have been using to hold on to it. By releasing the second harm, you are releasing them from your present and your future.
On our journey on this beautiful blue planet earth, we all need to learn how to forgive. We will not pass to the other side without forgiving. We all make mistakes. We do the best we can with the information we have at the time we make decisions and act.
Start with yourself first. Forgive yourself. If you are not in harmony and balance in your heart and forgive yourself, how can you forgive others or ask for forgiveness from others? People will feel it authentically when you come with your own forgiveness in the past. They will see your energy and light. They will know something changed.
By forgiving you are not letting another off the “hook”. Forgiving is helping you heal. You can forgive, but you cannot forget. Put it in the past and learn from the experience. Once you forgive, you see life with a new view. You live in the present more.
What happens if you cannot forgive? Everyone here is on a journey. If people cannot forgive they are holding onto the lower energies and vibrations that limit joy, love and the light within each of us. If others cannot forgive, still send them a blessing. Know that they are doing the best with what they presently have in their life. Do not judge them; do not make assumptions. Each person must experience this within his or her own heart. One cannot force another to forgive or accept forgiveness. Again, send the blessing and move on. Forgive with the highest emotion – LOVE.
Enjoy your life, laugh again and see wonderful qualities in others, this is the benefit you receive when you forgive! You also lose judgment. Judging another is one of the lowest energies. Worry about yourself. Send blessings and be at peace, and maybe some day that blessing will connect.
Sharing this message will assist others to be at peace. This is my mission. If one person captures the sense of forgiveness and moves to forgive – energy has been shifted. The act of forgiveness and learning how to forgive is passionate to my heart.
Learn from the past, forgive yourself and let it go. Move forward with a light heart, mind and soul. Your light will shine with balance joy, harmony, love and peace. You will discover a new self at your core. Your soul will dance. There will be a wellspring of love from the release. The gratitude and appreciation will be transformational. I guarantee it will make a difference in your life – I did for me!
“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes
Why do you think its so hard for so many people to forgive, release and let go of past hurts? Is forgiveness an act of weakness or an act of strength? Have you figured out a way to let go of resentment, forgive yourself and those who have harmed? I really want to know what are your thoughts on this. You can share your insights by joining the conversation in the comment section on the blog website PurposeFairy.
Editor’s Note: Eileen Timmins, Ph.D. is on a mission to shift the energy of the world by one forgiving act at a time. Eileen is an author, artist, motivational speaker, teacher, coach, labyrinth builder and board member. She is founder of Aingilin (which means little angel in Gaelic) and her mission is “to create a better future for the world through acts of service.” Her book “The Forgiveness Fairy: Sharing the Light of Forgiveness” is available from Balboa Press. You can contact Dr. Timmins at aingilin@gmail.com.
Finding Meaning in Our Suffering
Let us start with the prophetic words of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, as he mourns the passing of Lady Macbeth in Act 5, Scene 5:
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
There is no meaning in life and therefore there is no meaning in suffering. To live and to suffer are meaning-less. Yet, experience tells us that this kind of thinking is a dangerous illusion. Did Martin Luther King, Jr. have no meaning when he wrote his Letter from the Birmingham jail? Did Maximilian Kolbe see no meaning in life when he asked the Nazis to let him take the place of a condemned man who had a family? Whether one’s beliefs are in God or in random variations generated by mutations, we are either made for or have evolved toward finding meaning in our life. The skeptic would say that my point is a happy illusion: Yes, we need to believe this, but we do so just to stay alive; it is adaptive to think fairytale thoughts.
Yet, what else in nature can you identify that is so very important and at the same time is an illusion? I can think of nothing. If finding and having meaning is tied to our well-being, then there must be something to it. The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who survived Auschwitz (which Maximilian Kolbe chose not to survive for a higher good of protecting another person), observed this: Only those who survived Auschwitz found meaning in the profound suffering endured there. Those who found meaninglessness died. Finding meaning in this case was tied to positive, concrete outcomes. There was a need (to find meaning) that was fulfilled (surviving and even thriving). Can you think of any other real need that is not tied to something real that can fulfill it? If not, then it seems reasonable to say that we have real needs with real fulfillments and finding meaning and achieving the state of thriving are concretely, really linked together without illusion.
When we are treated deeply unjustly by others, we suffer. If we have come, through wisdom, to know the meaning of life, then we will find meaning in our suffering. If we find meaning in both life and suffering, we have the foundation to forgive well and to survive well the cruelty against us.
Sound and fury, signifying nothing? Please be careful in so concluding.
Robert
Your Forgiveness Legacy
Forgiveness is not finished with you yet. How will you lead your life from this point forward? It is your choice. When that story is finally written, what will the final chapters say about you? The beauty of this story is that you are one of the contributing authors. You do not write it alone, of course, but with the help of those who encourage you, instruct and guide you, and even hurt you. You are never alone when it comes to your love story. It does not matter one little bit where the story was going before you embraced the virtue of forgiveness. What matters now is how you finish that story, how you start to live your life from this point forward.
What do you think? Do you think that most people are deliberately and consciously writing their own love stories, in part on the basis of leading The Forgiving Life? Or, are most people rushing by, not giving much thought to forgiveness or love?
What do you think? Do you think that most people are aware of their legacy, what they will leave behind from this precise moment on, or are they rushing about, not giving a moment’s notice to that legacy?
What do you think? Do you think that you can make a difference in a few or even many people’s lives by awakening them to the fact that they can rewrite their stories and make them love stories through forgiveness?
Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools) (Kindle Locations 5320-5331). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.
Quotations on Forgiveness from Desmond Tutu (Honorary Board Member of the International Forgiveness Institute)
We are made for loving. If we don’t love, we will be like plants without water.
Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.
When we see others as the enemy, we risk becoming what we hate. When we oppress others, we end up oppressing ourselves. All of our humanity is dependent upon recognizing the humanity in others.
Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.
A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed.
Robert
