Author Archive: doctorbobenright

Why Forgiveness Education Matters

We have forgiveness education curriculum guides for teachers, parents, and school counselors in our Store. The guides show you, step-by-step, how to implement forgiveness education for about one hour a week or less to children as young as age 4 or as old as age 17. The medium for instructing students on forgiveness is through stories. We have summaries of these stories for your examination and use as you wish.

Our research shows that as students learn about forgiveness, they become less angry and can increase in academic achievement. After all, if someone is fuming internally, it is hard to pay attention to the regular school subjects.

Take a look below at what teachers in Milwaukee’s central-city are saying after teaching forgiveness for 12 to 15 weeks, about one hour a week (4-year averages):

• 91% of the teachers found the forgiveness curriculum materials easy to use.
• 75% of the teachers observed that, as a whole, the students decreased in anger as a result of learning about forgiveness.
• 78% of the teachers observed that the students increased in cooperation as a result of learning about forgiveness.
• 71% of the teachers observed that, as a whole, the students improved in their academic achievement as a result of learning about forgiveness.
• 91% of the teachers thought that they became a better overall instructor as a result of teaching the forgiveness curriculum.
• 93% of the teachers thought that they became a better person as a result of teaching the forgiveness curriculum.
• 84% of the teachers thought that their classrooms as a whole began to function better as a result of the forgiveness curriculum.
• 76% of the teachers thought that the school as a whole began to show improvement because of the forgiveness education program.

“Unless You Forgive the Situation”……Can One Forgive “the Situation”?

We came across this expression recently while browsing the web.  The author wanted to make a point about the forgiver’s well-being by encouraging forgiveness…..of a situation.

Can a person forgive a situation?  No.  That is not possible.  Why?  Forgiveness is a moral virtue (as are justice, patience, and kindness as examples).  All moral virtues are toward other people or living beings (we can be compassionate to a wounded dog, for example).  Moral virtues do not point toward storms or earthquakes.  Why is that?  The purpose of moral virtues is to serve, to make better, to uplift in goodness.  We do not serve thunderstorms or try to make earthquakes morally better.  We do not uplift a dying tree in moral goodness either.

This does not mean that we do not try to restore a tree or to prevent damage from earthquakes.  It does mean that our response to **situations** is of a different kind than our response to other **persons. **

Robert

The Forgiveness Trap: Becoming Stuck in the Hope of Reconciliation

When we properly understand what it means to forgive someone, much of the criticism leveled against forgiveness vanishes. For example, if someone thinks that forgiveness is to find an excuse for an offender’s unfair behavior, we have to correct that misconception. We have to realize that when we forgive we never distort reality by falsely claiming that the injustice was not an injustice. As another example, if someone thinks that, upon forgiving, the forgiver has an obligation to reconcile, we need to understand that the moral virtue of forgiveness is distinct from reconciling (in which two or more people come together again in mutual trust).

Yet, what of this situation: Suppose that Alice forgives Allen, her boss, for several inappropriate advances at work. He is not remorseful, does not intend to change, and dismisses her concerns. Suppose further that in forgiving, Alice sees the inherent worth of Allen, concluding that he is a person worthy of respect, not because of what he did, but in spite of this. Seeing Allen’s inherent worth motivates Alice to stay in this particular job and wait in the hope that Allen will change. After all, if he has inherent worth, then he may be capable of altering his unwanted behavior.

She is clear that forgiving and reconciling are not the same thing. At the same time, she is now staying where she is, waiting in the hope of his changing, waiting in the hope of a healthy reconciliation.

Of course, none of us can look into the future with certainty. No one knows for sure that Allen will not change. Perhaps he will have insight into his inappropriate behavior, have remorse, repent, and ask for a genuine reconciliation with Alice.

How long should she wait? How do we know, given that we cannot predict Allen’s future behavior? A key, I think, is Allen’s current insights into his actions. Does he see them as highly inappropriate or as an “I cannot help myself” story? Does he see the behavior or continually rationalize it?

Does Allen show any remorse at all? Has he made even the slightest overture to repent? Does he have any insight whatsoever into his inappropriateness? If the answers are “no,” “no,” and “no,” then Alice’s waiting in the hope of reconciliation may not be wise if she has given this sufficient time.

When we forgive, we have to realize that sometimes our offenders choose to be willfully ignorant of their injustices and to the damage it is doing. When we forgive, we have to realize that some of our offenders choose not to change at all. Under these circumstances, we should not let our forgiveness set up a false hope. If we do, we are distorting the power of forgiveness and need to re-think our position. Forgiveness is not so powerful that it can always get the other to develop remorse, to repent, and to reconcile well.

Robert

How can we teach ourselves to bear the pain that comes our way if we find no purpose to the suffering? It seems so impossible.

If it is impossible to bear the pain caused by another’s unjust behavior, then one solution is to search for this kind of reasonable purpose. What might be some purposes of suffering on behalf of another who has hurt us? Here are four possibilities: a) bearing suffering patiently helps us to become stronger persons; b) as we bear suffering for another, we do not displace the suffering and anger onto others; c) as we bear the suffering for another, we do not displace the suffering onto our offender, which is a merciful gift to him or her; d) all of the monotheistic faiths exhort people to imitate God. If you are a monotheistic believer, then you are becoming more like God by bearing with others’ injustice in a patient and merciful way.

The Wounded Do the Wounding

Think about one person who has hurt you. Is it possible that the person hurt you out of his or her own woundedness? In other words, is there something in his or her past that he or she is carrying, something so painful that the wounds were thrown onto you?

I do not ask this for you to find an excuse or to “let it go.” What happened to you was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. There are no excuses here, but there may be wounds he or she suffered.

I ask so that you can understand him or her a little more deeply.

Might the one who wounded the one who wounded you have been wounded by still another person? If we trace it back far enough, we could have a long line of people who have wounded the next one in line, who wounded the next one, all the way up to you, who was wounded and did not deserve it.

Please try to picture the truth inside this person. If he or she has been unjustly wounded by another, I ask you to see it.

Robert