Author Archive: doctorbobenright
Anti-Bullying and Forgiveness Education: What They Are Saying Now
Consider some views of those who bullied others in school and now look back as adults.
I Feel Cheated
“I feel cheated. When I was a teenager, I thought I was rough and tough and I took this out on weaker kids. Little did I know that I was the one who was weak because I had no control over my anger. I am sorry to say this, but I really did not receive any help for that anger when in school. The helping professionals of the day were way too concerned with what I was doing and they did not see my rage. Forgiveness education would have made everyone’s life better then—those I bullied, the teachers, the other kids….and me.” An anonymous adult looking back.
My Guilt Can Still Pop Up
“I have not been in a middle school classroom in three decades. Yet, I can still look back and wince at what I did. I once had another student kiss the ground because….well….I just did not like him. How I wish I had instruction in forgiveness education then. I was pretty angry because I had a parent with a big temper. That got all over me and so my anger got all over other students. Yes, I did victimize some and they did not deserve it. I needed to confront my anger resulting from the home and never got the opportunity. I am not blaming anyone but myself. Yet, I do hope that educators wake up and start to help those who are angry now. Forgiveness education is one way out of anger’s trap.” J.P.
The Anger Entered My Marriage
“I was one who bullied other classmates through ignoring and spreading lies about them. I have to admit that back then it made me popular with the other girls. I should have stopped because each one of these little digs at others went into my own heart. The bad news is that I brought that pent up anger into our marriage and it hurt my husband. He had no idea what was going on and neither did I. Having read some of your books on forgiveness and anger, I came to realize that my bullying was a displacement onto unsuspecting classmates and then onto my husband. Forgiveness education is so needed. Otherwise the angers and disappointments are given to others. Where does it stop?” A.N.
Editor’s Note: The International Forgiveness Institute has developed a new Anti-Bullying Forgiveness Program for children in grades 4 (age 9) through grade 9 (age 14). Regularly priced at $50.00 for the electronic version, it is now available at our limited-time introductory price of $30.00.
Our Final Five of “Nine Principles of Forgiveness Education”
In our previous blog post, we described the first four of our “Nine Principles Underlying Forgiveness Education.” Here we discuss the final five. These are mostly taken from the book, Forgiveness Therapy, by R. Enright and R. Fitzgibbons, published in January, 2015 by the American Psychological Association.
Principle 5) Once a child understands what forgiveness is and has seen story characters forgive, then it is time for a child to start trying to forgive someone for a real offense against the child. This is best accomplished initially by choosing a small offense (being pushed on the playground, for example) and only later building up to more serious injustices.
6) As children learn about forgiveness, the instruction should be developmental. By this we mean that at first the child can see a story character forgiving one other story character for one offense. Then the child should begin to reason that if a story character can forgive one person for one offense, maybe that story character can forgive that same other person again and again, learning to generalize forgiveness across situations.
7) Next in the developmental sequence, the child learns that the generalization can occur across divergent other people so that he or she can forgive a variety of people for a variety of offenses.
8) Then in adolescence comes the more mature idea that “I can be a forgiving person.” In other words, forgiveness is not just something that one does in a behavioral sense, but instead forgiveness can go beyond actions to an internalized response that is part of the self, part of one’s identity as a person. It is here that the desire to forgive becomes more stable and enthusiasm for this moral virtue begins to develop. It is what Aristotle called the love of the virtues.
9) The developmental pathway of forgiving leads next to a motivation of giving forgiveness away to other people in the community. The adolescent, as part of a class assignment, might consider talking with counselors or families, as examples, to introduce them to what forgiveness is, how people forgive, and the benefits for self and others when forgiveness is properly understood and practiced.
My sister, who lives in another state, refuses to talk with me. I have no idea what I did and so I have no clue how to handle this. Should I apologize in the hope that this will soften her heart so that she will at least talk with me?
It is obvious that you see no unjust behavior on your part. When we seek forgiveness from others, it is in the context of knowing that we have been unjust. Thus, it follows that you should not ask for forgiveness for something that you did not do. With that said, it is reasonable to acknowledge your sister’s hurt feelings. A way to acknowledge this is to say something like this to your sister: “I am sorry if some of my behavior has caused you pain. Can we talk about it?” Notice that you are not acknowledging wrong-doing (because there was none as far as you know). Instead, you are acknowledging your sister’s hurt feelings, a situation you would like to address.
Four of Our “Nine Principles of Forgiveness Education”
We present here the first four of our Nine Principles Underlying Forgiveness Education as practiced in the forgiveness programs we are implementing in countries around the world. In the next post we examine the final five. Most of the principles are taken from two books: Forgiveness Therapy by R. Enright and R. Fitzgibbons, published by the American Psychological Association (APA) in January of 2015 and The Forgiving Life by R. Enright, also by APA.
1) What is discussed initially does not center personally on the child, but instead on story characters. The child sees first that story characters have conflicts. Next the child sees that there are many ways to solve and deal with conflicts and forgiveness is one of those ways. Next, the child sees that forgiveness does not directly solve a situation of injustice. Instead, forgiveness is one way of dealing with the consequences of injustice.
2) Once a child understands what forgiveness is and what it is not and understands the nature of interpersonal conflict (when one person acts badly, others can be hurt), he or she is ready to explore the pathway of forgiveness, the “how to” of forgiveness. This, again, is best taught by having the child first see others (story characters) go through forgiveness as a way to model it.
3) It is my opinion, and perhaps this could also be tested scientifically but to date has not, that children will learn better if you as the teacher first practice forgiveness before teaching it. A soccer coach who has never played the game might prove to be less effective than someone who has been immersed in the game. It probably is the same with forgiveness. So, the challenge is for you to be a forgiver first and then a teacher of forgiveness.
Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools) (Kindle Locations 5015-5018). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.
4) Throughout the implementation of forgiveness education, you make the important distinction between learning about forgiveness and choosing to practice it in certain contexts. The program is careful to emphasize the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. A child does not reconcile with an unrepentant child who bullies, for example.
Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools) (Kindle Locations 5053-5056). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.
On Lowered Expectations of Injustice
We can get so annoyed so easily. A traffic jam….and we are annoyed.
A colleague late for the meeting…..and we are annoyed.
A spouse who is taking too long in the changing room at the clothing store…..and we are annoyed.
Spend a little time with a homeless person and then ask yourself if the above three are big or minor annoyances. When I pass a homeless person, I can tell that he expects me to not see him. He thinks he is invisible.
He is not.
On one occasion, in leaving a restaurant with a good friend, there was a dear homeless person on the corner. It was a cold evening. He smiled. We gave him our “take out box” and he beamed. He laughed and with arms outstretched, he proclaimed, “God bless you.”
So amazing. He has nothing of material value….no home…..and he thinks he is invisible to the rest of the world.
Yet, he is rich because he has gratitude and love in his heart.
We decided, after having traversed a block on making our way to the safety and warmth of our homes, to turn back and give him some money along with the food. He was eating, saw us coming, and with outstretched arms, welcomed us with a “God bless you.”
He seems to have no resentment in his heart…..even when outside….without a home…..in the cold of an early winter……even while seeing that others do not see him.
Note: We are filing this in the category of Famous People. The homeless are not invisible and we did not want this uncategorized post to become invisible.