Author Archive: doctorbobenright
When I forgive, do I have to trust the other person, or are these different?
When a person forgives, he or she may or may not trust the other. It depends on the situation. For example, suppose your partner is a compulsive gambler who has squandered the family fortune. This is an offense for which you can forgive him or her. Yet, you can and should withhold trust in this one area of gambling until he or she proves trustworthy. Trust has to be earned by demonstrations and this can take time. The goal of forgiveness is reconciliation, which includes trust. Just to be clear, you can reconcile with a person and trust him or her in most things, with the understanding that work will be done in the one area that hurts the relationship.
Wisdom From a Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Please consider the following quotation from Mother Teresa of Calcutta: “We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” Now for a little homework assignment. Please consider doing one small, seemingly inconsequential act of love toward someone who has annoyed you recently—-maybe a smile or an encouraging word or an act of service of some kind (such as holding a door open for him or her). Practice forgiving through a small act that has great love attached to it.
Dr. Enright to Speak at 50th International Eucharistic Congress in Dublin
Dr. Robert Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, is one of the featured speakers at the 50th International Eucharistic Congress (IEC) being held in Dublin, Ireland, from June 10-17.
A Eucharistic Congress is an international gathering of people which aims to promote an awareness of the central place of the Eucharist in the life and mission of the Catholic Church, to help improve understanding and celebration of the liturgy, and to draw attention to the social dimension of the Eucharist. Read more about the IEC.
In his session at the IEC on June 14, Dr. Enright will share a pathway to forgiveness that can help reduce anger and sadness and increase happiness despite injustices suffered in the world. This is the second consecutive year that Dr. Enright has been invited to present at the IEC. Read a description of Dr. Enright’s presentation.
Together with Prof. Geraldine Smyth, OP, (Irish School of Ecumenics, Dublin) Dr. Enright also presented “Becoming Eucharist for One Another through Forgiving” on June 7th during the Theology Symposium held at the Pontifical University of St. Patrick’s College, Maynooth, Ireland. The Symposium, held the week prior to the Eucharistic Congress, features scholars from across the disciplines of theology (scripture, systematics, moral theology, liturgy, pastoral studies, missiology, and ecumenics). Read more about the Symposium.
Dr. Enright Featured in Diocese of Madison Catholic Herald Article
“We believe that forgiveness is a choice,” Dr. Robert Enright is quoted in the June 7 issue of the Madison Catholic Herald. “If you have been deeply hurt by another, you can choose to forgive rather than hold on to debilitating anger and resentment. In doing so, an amazing transformation begins.”
The founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, Dr. Enright, further explains, “When you forgive, you may benefit the person you forgive. But you benefit yourself far more. By liberating yourself from pain and sorrow, you can reclaim your life and find the peace that your anger had stolen.”
According to the article, Dr. Enright believes his new book, The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love, is the “best work I’ve ever done.”
He is also beginning work on another book, The Church as Forgiving Community, to be published by Our Sunday Visitor. Cardinal Raymond Burke (Prefect of the Supreme Tribunal of the Apostolic Signatura in Rome who previously served as Archbishop of St. Louis, MO, and Bishop of La Crosse, WI) will be writing a chapter for this book, as will Bishop Robert C. Morlino of Madison, WI, and Bishop Salvatore Cordileone of Oakland, CA.
I am a survivor of sexual assault and incest. My father was my abuser. The abuse went on for years and didn’t stop until I left home at the age of 19. Now I am 53. I have chosen not to have a relationship with my father and have a limited relationship with my mother, who knew for some time, but chose to look the other way. I think about forgiveness often. I try and see my father as an innocent. I think that this can help to forgive a person. My problem is this…..I have dealt with my abuse (though not intirely, and probably will always be until the day I die) I have confronted my parents and since then, they have acted as though I am making too much of a big deal about it. They openly speak to my siblings about how I am hurting them by not staying in touch and treating my father as though he doesn’t exisit. My father has said that yes, there was some abuse, but nothing as bad as I have said. It is THIS behavior that is making it so hard to even begin to forgive. They have told lies about when I have confonted them, for instance, saying that I had my 22 yr old son in the room at the time, when he was outside jogging. How is it possible to get past what is happening now, when the scars are so old and the new wounds are so deep? I facilitate a support group for survivors and we talk often about forgiveness.
First of all, thank you for your courage. You have endured a great deal and you continue to do so. I have five ideas for you to consider.
First, you say that you try to see you father as “an innocent” and that this helps in the forgiving. I would gently urge you to begin shifting your thinking so that you do not see your father as innocent because he is not. He made a tragic choice which was not in your best interest and his knowing that does not make him innocent.
Second, forgiveness occurs in the context of people who are not innocent. When we forgive, we offer a cessation of resentment and a gift of goodness in spite of the other’s culpability. This is what makes forgiveness so heroic, to begin to see the other as a person even though he or she acted badly.
Third, I would urge you to visit the Forums section of this website (the Adult Forum in particular) and read the exchange about Personhood begun by Amber, which will give you some insights on forgiving in this way (seeing the personhood in the other).
As a fourth point, as you forgive your father in this way, by beginning to forgive him for the incest, I encourage you to forgive your mother in a similar way for not protecting you when you were younger.
As a fifth point, your current forgiveness issue is a large one because of the denial of the abuse by both your father and mother. This is a separate and legitimate issue worthy of your time. Here you should consider forgiving your father and mother for their unwillingness to see the grave injustice which you suffered. This one will be a challenge because it is in a context of ongoing injustice as they deny the seriousness of the wrongdoing. Again, one of the Forum subjects could prove helpful to you here. It is again in the Adult Forum and is entitled, “Forgiving the same person over & over?” It might provide support for you as you forgive because you will see that others have a similar issue of continued forgiveness in the face of continued injustice.
It takes perseverance and courage to forgive. I admire your determination.
