Our Forgiveness Blog

The Family as Forgiving Community

The central points of the Family as Forgiving Community are these:

1. We are interested in the growth of appreciation and practice in the forgiveness virtue not only within each individual but also within the family unit itself.

2. For family members to grow in the appreciation and practice of forgiveness, that virtue must be established as a positive norm in the family unit. This necessitates that the parents value the virtue, talk positively about it, and demonstrate it through forgiving and asking for forgiveness on a regular basis within the family.

3. For each member of the family unit to grow in the appreciation and practice of forgiveness, that virtue must be taught in the home, with materials that are age-appropriate and interesting for the children and the parents.

4. Parents will need to persevere in the appreciation, practice, and education of forgiveness if the children are to develop the strength of passing the virtue of forgiveness onto their own families when they are adults.

To achieve these goals, one strategy is the Family Forgiveness Gathering, which we will describe next time.

Dr. Bob

Father Begs for Mercy for Son’s Killer

The Morning Call, Allentown, PA – The father shook uncontrollably in court Friday, distraught over his son’s death in a car accident a year ago. That happens often.

Then the father begged a judge for mercy for his son’s killer. That’s rare.

“Some people deserve to be caged up and some people deserve a second chance,” Greg Hamell told a Lehigh County Judge. “Allow a little bit of forgiveness for this young man here. Give the family a second chance, I ask your honor.”

Authorities say Alexander Buskirk was driving 63 mph in a 35 mph zone on Nov. 23, 2011, when he lost control and crashed into trees, killing Greg Hamell’s 18-year-old son, Ryan. Buskirk and Hamell had graduated together months earlier from Northwestern Lehigh High School.

Ryan Hamell’s mother, Jeanette Hamell, asked the judge to sentence Buskirk to house arrest, and not jail.

“I want Alex to know I forgive him,” the mother said, as people throughout the courtroom cried. “I want him to forgive himself. I want him to live a full life.”

At the end of the hearing, Buskirk walked up to Greg Hamell and the two hugged for several moments, exchanging words. Buskirk then hugged Jeanette Hamell. Both cried before separating and leaving the courthouse. One soon headed to jail. Both hoping to heal.

Read the full story: “Father begs for mercy for son’s killer.”

Mother’s “I Forgive You” Reduces Sentence for Man Convicted of Manslaughter

CBS Evening News, Tallahassee, Florida – When Eric Smallridge was convicted of DUI manslaughter in 2003, Renee Napier, who lost her daughter, was ambivalent about forgiving. Yet, over time, her sense of forgiveness deepened to such a degree that she went to the authorities and asked that Smallridge’s sentence be reduced. He was released last week, long before he was expected to be released. He and Renee now go into high schools together, warning students about the dangers of drinking and driving. Forgiveness as a gift to Eric has become an indirect gift to students, who are given important information on driver safety.

Read the full story: “Mother’s forgiveness gives convict second chance.”

Inherent Worth

Inherent worth: the true thought that all persons have a built-in, never-needs-to-be-earned, quality of tremendous value. All people. Even those who are unjust to us. Even ourselves when we are feeling low.

I think that no war (or major conflict in home or neighborhood or community) could ever start if those with the ammunition to inflict harm saw the inherent worth of those on the other side. But, unfortunately, in our imperfect world, and in societies that do not cultivate a deliberate sense of inherent worth of all, cruelties can be perpetrated, even in the name of fairness or “my rights.” The philosopher Blaise Pascal said that if he could prescribe one thing for the human race it would silence—so that we could listen to what is truly important. I think if I were asked that question, I would stay with silence and try to sneak in a second “thing”: the deep understanding that each person, even those who are cruel to us, have immense inherent worth.

Dr. Bob

Returning Exiles Show Capacity for Forgiveness in Myanmar

Los Angeles Times, Yangon, Myanmar – Maung Thura, a comedian known as Zarganar, spent 11 years in prison including five in solitary confinement for his open criticism of the repression he witnessed in Myanmar while the country was under military rule. Released in 2011 after the military junta was dissolved, Zarganar now expresses forgiveness rather than rancor for his former captors.

“This is not a time for revenge,” he said. “Otherwise, it becomes a circular motion that never ends.”

According to a variety of sources, Zarganar’s willingness to forgive–seemingly incomprehensible to many outsiders–is shared by thousands of dissidents and student leaders released from prisons or invited back to Myanmar, also known as Burma, after years in exile.

This flexibility on both sides offers hope the country can move more quickly toward national reconciliation, avoiding a settling of scores and crippling divisions seen in other countries struggling to emerge from decades of totalitarian rule.

Read more about the role of forgiveness in Myanmar in the Los Angeles Times article “In Myanmar, returning exiles show capacity for forgiveness.”