Our Forgiveness Blog
The Family Forgiveness Gathering
In our most recent blog post, we began to discuss “the family as forgiving community.” We suggested then, and will now address, a theme we call the family forgiveness gathering as one way to achieve the goals of the family as forgiving community.
In the family forgiveness gathering, the parents are encouraged to create a time and place for family discussions. We recommend that the parents gather the family together at least once a week to have a quiet discussion about forgiveness. They should keep in mind that to forgive is not the same as excusing or forgetting or even reconciling and that forgiveness works hand-in-hand with justice.
Examples of questions for the family forgiveness meeting might include:
What does it mean to forgive someone?
Who was particularly kind and loving to you this week?
What did that feel like?
When the person was really loving toward you, what were your thoughts about the person?
When the person was really loving, how did you behave toward that person?
Was anyone particularly unfair or mean to you this week?
What did it feel like when you were treated in a mean way?
What were your thoughts?
How did you behave at first?
Did you try to forgive the person for being unfair to you?
What does forgiveness feel like?
What are your thoughts when you forgive?
What are your thoughts specifically toward the one who acted unfairly to you when you forgive him or her?
How did you behave toward the person once you forgave?
If you have not yet forgiven, what is a first step in forgiving him or her? (Make a decision to be kind, commit to forgiving, begin in a small way to see that the person is in fact a person of worth.)
What struggles do you have with forgiving someone who behaved in an unkind way to you?
In other words, what is difficult about forgiving?
What is easy about forgiving for you?
The parents are reminded that they do not have to know all the answers. What do you think? Is 15 minutes once a week worth the effort to strengthen your children for the hurts to come, including those which might come many years from now?
Dr. Bob
The Family as Forgiving Community
The central points of the Family as Forgiving Community are these:
1. We are interested in the growth of appreciation and practice in the forgiveness virtue not only within each individual but also within the family unit itself.
2. For family members to grow in the appreciation and practice of forgiveness, that virtue must be established as a positive norm in the family unit. This necessitates that the parents value the virtue, talk positively about it, and demonstrate it through forgiving and asking for forgiveness on a regular basis within the family.
3. For each member of the family unit to grow in the appreciation and practice of forgiveness, that virtue must be taught in the home, with materials that are age-appropriate and interesting for the children and the parents.
4. Parents will need to persevere in the appreciation, practice, and education of forgiveness if the children are to develop the strength of passing the virtue of forgiveness onto their own families when they are adults.
To achieve these goals, one strategy is the Family Forgiveness Gathering, which we will describe next time.
Dr. Bob
Father Begs for Mercy for Son’s Killer
The Morning Call, Allentown, PA – The father shook uncontrollably in court Friday, distraught over his son’s death in a car accident a year ago. That happens often.
Then the father begged a judge for mercy for his son’s killer. That’s rare.
“Some people deserve to be caged up and some people deserve a second chance,” Greg Hamell told a Lehigh County Judge. “Allow a little bit of forgiveness for this young man here. Give the family a second chance, I ask your honor.”
Authorities say Alexander Buskirk was driving 63 mph in a 35 mph zone on Nov. 23, 2011, when he lost control and crashed into trees, killing Greg Hamell’s 18-year-old son, Ryan. Buskirk and Hamell had graduated together months earlier from Northwestern Lehigh High School.
Ryan Hamell’s mother, Jeanette Hamell, asked the judge to sentence Buskirk to house arrest, and not jail.
“I want Alex to know I forgive him,” the mother said, as people throughout the courtroom cried. “I want him to forgive himself. I want him to live a full life.”
At the end of the hearing, Buskirk walked up to Greg Hamell and the two hugged for several moments, exchanging words. Buskirk then hugged Jeanette Hamell. Both cried before separating and leaving the courthouse. One soon headed to jail. Both hoping to heal.
Read the full story: “Father begs for mercy for son’s killer.”
Mother’s “I Forgive You” Reduces Sentence for Man Convicted of Manslaughter
CBS Evening News, Tallahassee, Florida – When Eric Smallridge was convicted of DUI manslaughter in 2003, Renee Napier, who lost her daughter, was ambivalent about forgiving. Yet, over time, her sense of forgiveness deepened to such a degree that she went to the authorities and asked that Smallridge’s sentence be reduced. He was released last week, long before he was expected to be released. He and Renee now go into high schools together, warning students about the dangers of drinking and driving. Forgiveness as a gift to Eric has become an indirect gift to students, who are given important information on driver safety.
Read the full story: “Mother’s forgiveness gives convict second chance.”
Inherent Worth
Inherent worth: the true thought that all persons have a built-in, never-needs-to-be-earned, quality of tremendous value. All people. Even those who are unjust to us. Even ourselves when we are feeling low.
I think that no war (or major conflict in home or neighborhood or community) could ever start if those with the ammunition to inflict harm saw the inherent worth of those on the other side. But, unfortunately, in our imperfect world, and in societies that do not cultivate a deliberate sense of inherent worth of all, cruelties can be perpetrated, even in the name of fairness or “my rights.” The philosopher Blaise Pascal said that if he could prescribe one thing for the human race it would silence—so that we could listen to what is truly important. I think if I were asked that question, I would stay with silence and try to sneak in a second “thing”: the deep understanding that each person, even those who are cruel to us, have immense inherent worth.
Dr. Bob
