Our Forgiveness Blog

The $40,000 Cost of One Student Bullied. The Best Solution: Anti-Bullying Forgiveness Curriculum.

A 14-year-old Georgia girl contemplated suicide because of the intensive and persistent bullying she received at school. Her ears were different. It was enough to lead to bullying and to profound abuse of this innocent victim. ABC News reported on this bullied teen story.

The girl qualified for plastic surgery from a foundation that helps children with birth defects. The cost? About $40,000, and it did give her a new image. It did give her more confidence. The bullying is likely to stop. She has forgiven….it seems with some residual anger, but that is understandable because forgiveness takes time.

We at the International Forgiveness Institute surely do not oppose the plastic surgery as one solution to a horrendous bullying problem, but we would like to take this time to proclaim—as loudly and as persistently across the globe as we can—this message: “The primary solution to the bullying is to get to the heart of the anger inside those who bully.” Most of those who bully have been bullied, and not necessarily in school as the first experience.

Consider an analogy. Suppose we are in the film, The Time Machine, in which the Morlocks are continually bullying the more gentle Eloi. The Morlocks kidnap some of the Eloi at random and cannibalize them. What if our first line of defense was to go into the cave, find the captured Eloi, and release them? While this is well and good, it misses this critical point: We have not gotten to the heart of this problem, which is the hearts of the Morlocks who see the Eloi as fresh meat. We have to change the hearts of the Morlocks so that they see the Eloi, not as fresh meat, but as precious persons, special, unique, and irreplaceable. And this takes time….lots of time…. to change hearts in this way. It takes practice in forgiving those who have abused them so that they begin to “see with new eyes” the true humanity in others, all others, even those who are now seen as fresh meat.

We at the International Forgiveness Institute have a curriculum to help those who are angry, who are abusive, who see others as fresh meat. It is a new Anti-Bullying Forgiveness Curriculum available in our store. This 8-lesson program is intended to focus on the anger inside of the one who bullies, to understand that anger, fix it through forgiveness, and then use these insights to encourage those who bully to now use this surgery-of-their-angry-hearts for good in the world, specifically toward those on whom they have been displacing their toxic anger.

Plastic surgery? OK. Surgery of the angry heart? Yes, without question…and the sooner the better in every school in the world.

Dr. Bob

The Toughest of All — Forgiving Oneself

I was talking yesterday to a graduate student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison who is starting a study on the psychology of forgiveness. She asked people about their experiences in forgiving, especially for serious offenses.

Her interviews led to this conclusion: The hardest person to forgive usually is oneself. Why is that?

It seems to me that we are a lot harder on ourselves than we are on other people, even those who behave very unjustly. We hold ourselves to a much higher standard.

So, here are some helpful forgiveness hints for you if you are trying or in the future are in a position to forgive yourself.

First, try forgiving someone other than yourself. The point here is to try to get a sense of the the process of forgiveness. Once you have forgiven another, ask yourself these questions:

Have I seen this other person as someone of worth?

Do I have a softened heart, at least to a degree, for this person?

Have I tried to bear the pain of what happened so that I do not take it out on that person or others?

Now, turn this learning toward yourself and try to:

• see yourself as possessing worth
• soften your heart toward yourself, just as you did for the other person
• bear the pain of what you did so that you do not keep beating yourself up over it.

Then add the following:

If you have offended anyone else by your actions, go to him or her and apologize. Seek forgiveness. Make things right.

If you are a person of faith, see what your next step is in the bigger picture.

Resolve to change your ways…..and then go in peace.
Dr. Bob

Destroying the Monster Within

A wise man said recently that injustices against us are not as dangerous as our reactions to those injustices. If we do not realize the potential inner damage done to us by people’s unfairness, we could let evil grow in us. Think about that: A person “out there” does bad things and the result is evil “in here,” in you.

When those bad things are serious, when your own inner world is threatened with growing anger and discontent, is there anything at all in this world that can quiet the beast more than forgiveness? I do not think so.

Other people’s troubles can become your monsters within if you give them space, feed them, and allow them to grow. Forgiveness shrinks then eliminates those monsters within.

If you think about it, forgiveness helps you retain your humanity, and to even grow in that humanity at a time when others are trying to let the inner monsters out of their cages.

R.E.

Forgiveness as an Investment in Your Future

Do you realize that your practicing forgiveness now may pay unexpected dividends for you decades from now? As an example, look at how the Amish community handled the tragedy in Pennsylvania in 2006. The world wondered how the community could stand in forgiveness after 10 girls were shot and 5 died.  The answer: Forgiveness is part of their daily culture.

Please realize that each decision and each act of forgiveness now may pay great dividends for you and others 20 years from now. Forgiveness today is an investment in your future.

R.E.

Can Forgiveness Make You Beautiful?

Forgiveness as a cosmetic for the inner you? How could that be? Well, I think it is true. When people are unjust to us, we can scowl and droop our shoulders, and purse our lips…..

or we can fight the tendency to be perpetually angry and give the one who hurt us: kindness, respect, generosity, and love. As we love in the face of cruelty, we scowl less, droop our shoulders less, and even learn to smile again.

The key, I think, is in the inner joy of knowing that the other has not defeated us. We know that we have a way to combat bitterness and it is called love. And love makes us internally beautiful. Augustine of Hippo first said that.

As we experience joy and love within, it somehow finds it way out….to others. And they see your joy and love and call it beautiful.

Forgiveness is more than a cosmetic. Cosmetics cover up. Forgiveness uncovers. Forgiveness reveals the beauty that is underneath…..and by doing so, it makes you more beautiful.

R.E.