Ask Dr. Forgiveness
As a follow-up to my previous question about the denial of anger, what is your experience of people coming for help from deep injustices against them. Are they, on the average, actually more angry than they realize at least as they begin forgiving?
Yes, you have an excellent insight here. I find that people over time become aware that they have been harboring more anger than they realized when they started the forgiveness process. This is one reason why forgiveness interventions are so valuable. People start the process because they see the negative effects inside of them, yet there are deeper effects than they first realize. The forgiveness process helps uncover this extra anger and then provides a statistically significant way of reducing that anger, as well as other negative effects such as anxiety or low-self-esteem.
What if I want to forgive from the heart and not behave in a way that is forgiving? I ask because I am not able to reconcile with the person and so I cannot act directly toward him.
You still can engage in forgiving behaviors even if these are not directly toward the one who hurt you. For example, you can say something kind about the person to others or donate a small amount of money to a charity in this person’s name. Forgiving behaviors such as these can occur indirectly even if you are not able to reconcile with him.
What do you mean about finding new purpose in a person’s life once forgiveness is accomplished?
Purpose in this case is a new goal for your life toward other people that may emerge once you know and appreciate the forgiveness process. As an example, some people develop a new goal of helping others to reduce their suffering. The forgivers, having explored their own suffering, become more attuned to the suffering of others. The forgivers then want to help others, who have been treated unjustly, to learn about and possibly practice forgiveness if they would like to do so.
You discuss “giving a gift to the offender” near the end of the Work Phase of forgiveness. Should I expect a sincere apology from the one toward whom I give this gift of kindness?
I do not recommend that you hold out the expectation of the other person’s apology. Otherwise, you might think of your forgiveness as incomplete. When you offer goodness to the one who hurt you, then you are doing the best you can with your forgiveness. Even if the other does not respond positively, you have forgiven. Therefore, I would not go into the forgiveness process expecting the apology. If it comes, that is good, but it is not necessary for you to go in peace.
If I have no pain, no anger about what another person did to me, is forgiveness even necessary?
Forgiving others is not all about the self and feeling better. As a moral virtue of being good to those who are not good to you, forgiving is valuable in and of itself. This is the case because all moral virtues, by definition, are good. So, if someone is unfair to you and you are ready to forgive, go ahead even if you have no residual anger or negative responses.
