Ask Dr. Forgiveness

How do I know when I truly want to start forgiveness?

A key issue is this: Have you explored what forgiveness is and is not? If you are confusing forgiveness with “just giving in,” or “moving on,” or automatically reconciling without trusting the person, then you may not be ready to start the forgiveness process. If you know what forgiveness is, are you motivated to forgive? As an analogy, how do you know when you are ready to start an exercise program? You first know the kinds of exercises that will benefit you, and you have the motivation to give them a try. I think it is similar with forgiveness.

Can I forgive without empathizing with the one who hurt me?  I am afraid to empathize because I do not want to get too emotionally close to that person.

If the other cannot be trusted, then your keeping your distance, both physically and emotionally, is reasonable.  When you empathize with another person, you try to get a sense of that person’s inner world.  You can do that and still conclude that the person is a danger to you (if this is true and not a stereotype) and so your knowledge of the person’s inner world is not an invitation to sympathize (feel sorry for the person to such an extent that you might forget the current dangers posed by the continuing unjust behavior).  Seeing the other’s inner wounds does not mean automatic reconciliation.

Suffering, you say, makes us stronger. In my opinion, children should not have to suffer. Instead, they should be protected from harm. What are your thoughts?

I’m not saying that we should look for pain so that we can get stronger. My thesis, however, is that we often grow as individuals as a result of suffering and unfair treatment. For instance, as we suffer, we grow more perceptive of other people’s pain. Here is a crucial difference between what I just said and what I believe you’re saying: Even adults who experience abuse and suffering must find a safe haven.  Being strong does not mean you should overlook the need to take every precaution. Therefore, while they suffer, both adults and children must be kept safe. Additionally, both may become stronger as they endure hardship. It is possible to become stronger and safer at the same time.

I am considering conducting a research study with women who have been in unsuccessful marriages. Could you point me in the direction of any existing research in this area?

Yes, we have two published journal articles in which women, in unsuccessful marriages, learned to forgive with good mental health outcomes.  The references are as follows:

Reed, G. & Enright, R.D. (2006).  The effects of forgiveness therapy on depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress for women after spousal emotional abuse.  Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74, 920-929.

Nisar, S., Yu, L., Ifikhar, R., & Enright, R.D. (2025). Forgiveness therapy to build hope and reduce anxiety and depression in battered women in Pakistan. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy. doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1002/cpp.70089

Could it be that forgiveness does not “work” for some people because they do not experience any relief?  I am kind of feeling this way toward my boss.  He is too abrupt with me.

When this occurs, I suggest: 1) allowing the person more time to forgive; if that doesn’t work, 2) attempting to see whether the one who acted unjustly reminds you of someone else who needs your forgiveness. For instance, is it possible that your struggle to forgive your boss is related to your unforgiveness of someone else?  For example, is it possible that you have issues with forgiveness towards your father?  If so, then I advise you to first forgive your father. Your resentment toward your father then does not interfere with your ability to forgive the boss when you turn your attention to it.  This is just an example, as I am unsure if you have any issues with your father that require your forgiveness.