Ask Dr. Forgiveness
My partner has been very unjust to me and to make matters worse, he has a drinking problem that could kill him. It is so hard to forgive him under this circumstance. Can you offer me some advice on forgiveness in this challenging context? Is the forgiveness process somehow different if the other literally is destroying the self?
Actually, the forgiveness process will not differ to a great extent when the person is destroying the self. You might actually forgive for the original offense and then forgive him for the situation in which he now is not working with you to rise above the very challenging situation. In other words, you can forgive twice and the second one may be harder than the first because the person is not working as a team with you.
I have a partner who is anger a lot of the time. I am beginning to think that anger is addictive. What do you think? If anger can be addictive, how does one break the habit?
If by addictive you mean the person falls into a pattern that is hard to break, then the answer is yes. People can fall into behaviors that involve temper, harsh language, and an adrenaline rush. People who have this pattern can be helped by seeing what in the past has led to an original anger. If it is an injustice, then forgiveness is appropriate. Next, the person needs to examine any sense of entitlement or even narcissism that fuels the anger and keeps it going. After that, the person needs to examine courageously who has been hurt by the anger-pattern and seek forgiveness from those who have been hurt by the pattern.
Is it genuine forgiveness if I never tell the person that he is forgiven?
Yes. If your proclamation of forgiveness will lead to more tensions, you need not let the other know in words. Your deeds will speak volumes regarding your concern for one and even love of the person.
I think it might be hard to help adolescents learn to appreciate forgiving. I say this because they are in a developmental time of independence or trying to be self-reliant. Will they really sit and listen to you about forgiveness?
Forgiveness, according to Aristotle, develops in part by practice and by the support of others for that practice. I suggest what we might call “teachable moments.” Suppose you are watching a film together and there is conflict among the characters. You could ask this of the adolescent: “What might have happened if Character A forgave Character B rather than seeking revenge?” Another teachable moment is at the dinner table when people may be talking about their experiences that day. If someone has had a conflict at school or at work, then discuss this with an eye toward forgiveness as still a possible option.
Is asking for forgiveness different from apologizing?
To apologize is part of asking for forgiveness but does not constitute the entire process. Asking for forgiveness includes the development of remorse or inner sorrow. Then comes repentance or apology. Finally, there is recompense or trying one’s best to make up for what happened.
