Ask Dr. Forgiveness

How does a person come to understand the origins of his own anger?

I recommend that you reflect on the different injustices that have happened to you, starting in childhood, then moving to your adolescence, and then into adulthood.  Try to make a list of the persons and the injustices and then rate: a) how deep is each injustice on a 1-to-10 scale and how deeply hurt you are now by this injustice, again on a 1-to-10 scale.  Then look at this “forgiveness landscape” (which is the term I use for such an exercise in my book, The Forgiving Life).  Those injustices that are deep and remain very hurtful probably are at the heart of any abiding anger you have inside of you now.

A girl I was seeing told me that my male friend slept with her.  My male friend denies this, but I know it is true based on what the girl told me.  Given that my male friend is denying what happened, should I remove my male friend from my life?

If in fact your male friend did as the girl said, then his idea of friendship is in need of correction.  If in fact he did this and denies it, then he does not seem to be interested in a genuine reconciliation with you.  If you are unable to trust him and if he remains unrepentant, then your not accepting him as a true friend at this point seems reasonable.

I have a co-worker who never stands up for himself nor does he even politely confront those who are giving him a hard time.  Instead, he gets angry (away from those with whom he is in conflict). Sometimes that anger comes out toward me. He can occasionally bang his fist into the top of his desk.  Do you think his actions are sufficient to relieve his anger or does this even help at all?

Your co-worker seems to be using the psychological defense of displacement, which means to take out the anger on something or someone else rather than on the original person who acted unfairly.  In the short-run your co-worker might experience some relief from this catharsis, but in the long-run, as I am sure you know, his hitting the top of the desk will not solve the injustice.  If your co-worker can do some forgiving and exercise this along with courage and a quest for justice, then he might be able to go to those at whom he is angry and talk it out in the hope of a fair resolution.

I seem to be lost on the forgiveness path.  I try and try, but I do not think I have made much progress in forgiving my partner and this has been going on for about a year.  Should I just get off the forgiveness path regarding my forgiving him?

Before you give up, I have some questions for you:

1) Have you committed to doing no harm to your partner, even in the context of your having the opportunity to somehow hurt him?  If you answered, “Yes, I have committed to doing no harm,” then you are not lost on the forgiveness journey.  This is a big step in the process;

2) Have you tried to see his weaknesses, his confusions, his wounds that may have wounded you?  If not, perhaps you need to do some of this cognitive work, to see him in a wider perspective than only his injuries toward you;

3)  Do you think that your will is strong enough to do the work outlined in #1 and 2 above?  If so, that work could lead to your forgiving if you give this time.

So, what do you think?  Have you found your way back onto the path of forgiveness?

How do I know, with some degree of confidence, that I am ready to reconcile with the other person?

Reconciliation is different from forgiveness.  When we reconcile, this is a process of two or more people coming together again in mutual trust.  Reconciliation is conditional on the other person’s willingness to change, if he or she was the one who acted unfairly.  Forgiveness, in contrast, can be offered unconditionally to the other as a form of respect, understanding, compassion, and even love, even if there is no reconciliation.  So, you can forgive without reconciling.

With all of this as background, here are four questions which might help you decide if you are ready to reconcile (and I am presuming that the other is the one who has hurt you):

1) Has the other shown an inner sorrow about what he or she did?  We call this remorse;

2) Has the person verbally expressed this sorrow to you.  We call this repentance;

3)  Has the person made amends for what happened (and we have to ask if he or she has done so within reason because sometimes we cannot make full amends.  For example, if someone stole $1,000 from you but truly cannot repay it all, then you cannot expect that he or she can make amends in any perfect way).  We call this recompense;

4)  If the person has shown what I call the “three R’s” of remorse, repentance, and recompense, then do you have even a little trust in your heart toward the person?  If so, then perhaps you can begin a slow reconciliation, taking small steps in rebuilding the relationship.  Your answer to these four questions may help you with your question: How do I know that I now am ready to reconcile?