Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I don’t see how a person can get over anger if the other person has moved away. There is no contact anymore. How can one then dialogue about the issue so that the anger diminishes?
Reducing anger is not dependent on having face-to-face contact (or even written or virtual contact) with the other person. Reducing the anger is a matter of the heart. You can begin thinking about the other person in new ways, seeing this person’s vulnerabilities and eventually even seeing the person’s built-in worth. You can do this for people who are not with you now, even for those who are deceased.
I do not like my job because of over-bearing demands from my supervisor. I cannot leave my current position just yet. Will forgiving even help me develop a better relationship with the supervisor?
When we forgive, we do not necessarily get the best result of a whole and fair relationship. If you forgive your supervisor, which I do recommend if you are ready, then at the very least, your resentment can lessen and so your inner world will not be as disrupted as it might have been. The forgiving may help you to have sufficient energy to apply for other positions if this opportunity arises. Even without justice in the workplace, you are taking steps to guard your inner world.
When I forgive and then look back on what happened to me, do you think that the memories will be more pleasant or am I stuck with bad memories?
When we forgive, we do not forget. We tend to remember in new ways. If you decide to forgive, and when you look back, the memories may not be good in that you see goodness from all involved. You likely still will see unfairness and call it that. The big difference after you forgive is this: When you remember, you will do so with less pain and with more understanding. You still may experience some sadness because of what might have been, but the deep pain of resentment should diminish.
You use the expression, after forgiving, “You now are in control of your anger rather than your anger controlling you.” How do I know if I am in control of the anger?
You can start by asking yourself these questions: 1) Is your anger leading to strained relationships in the family, with friends, and in the workplace? 2) Are you discontented or more settled in your life, even if your circumstances are not the best? 3) Are you less tired than you were before you started to forgive? 4) Are you thinking less about the situation or about the same? If your relationships are doing better (with no displacement of the anger onto others), if you are more settled, less tired, and thinking less about the situation, I would conclude that the anger is no longer controlling you.
I am concerned about learning through observation. If children see parents arguing frequently, sometimes intensively, will these children, in the future, engage in bullying others in school or even be a contentious partner in adulthood?
This depends on what the child, who now is an adolescent or an adult, has learned from what was observed about the parents. It is possible that the person might gain wisdom from the parents’ fighting and realize that such a pattern is not healthy. Thus, the person may deliberately commit to not following the parents’ behavior. In contrast, if the person does not reflect on the potentially destructive pattern, then, yes, the person may grow up to show bullying behaviors in school and to repeat the pattern of a conflictual relationship with a partner. In other words, insight along with a commitment to not imitate the conflictual behavior might spare the person from repeating the parents’ behavioral pattern.
