Ask Dr. Forgiveness
How can I avoid displacing my anger onto others? What is one example of a “wake-up call” for me to break a pattern of denial that I am displacing anger onto others?
Here is one exercise that might help you to break denial regarding your displacing anger onto other people: Make a list of people at whom you have been angry over the past few weeks. Then ask yourself this question: Did this person deserve my anger because of inappropriate behavior or did I over-react? If you see that in many of the cases, the other person, who received your anger, did nothing that warranted such a strong reaction, then you will be able to see that you are, in fact, displacing your anger. With this insight, you can begin to lessen the displacement because you now are seeing that people do not deserve harsh correction. Your forgiving those at whom you truly are angry also will assist you in avoiding the psychological defense of displacement.
Is shame always an effect of being treated unjustly?
Shame is that sense that others are judging you and you want to hide under the bed to avoid the scrutiny. This is not always the case when people treat you unfairly. Sometimes, when we are treated unfairly, people can harshly judge us by asking such a question as this: “Well, what did you do to deserve this? You must have done something, otherwise such behavior toward you would not have occurred.” When others are not passing judgement on you and when you have not acted unjustly toward those who were unfair to you, then shame likely will not occur.
How does a person come to understand the origins of his own anger?
I recommend that you reflect on the different injustices that have happened to you, starting in childhood, then moving to your adolescence, and then into adulthood. Try to make a list of the persons and the injustices and then rate: a) how deep is each injustice on a 1-to-10 scale and how deeply hurt you are now by this injustice, again on a 1-to-10 scale. Then look at this “forgiveness landscape” (which is the term I use for such an exercise in my book, The Forgiving Life). Those injustices that are deep and remain very hurtful probably are at the heart of any abiding anger you have inside of you now.
A girl I was seeing told me that my male friend slept with her. My male friend denies this, but I know it is true based on what the girl told me. Given that my male friend is denying what happened, should I remove my male friend from my life?
If in fact your male friend did as the girl said, then his idea of friendship is in need of correction. If in fact he did this and denies it, then he does not seem to be interested in a genuine reconciliation with you. If you are unable to trust him and if he remains unrepentant, then your not accepting him as a true friend at this point seems reasonable.
I have a co-worker who never stands up for himself nor does he even politely confront those who are giving him a hard time. Instead, he gets angry (away from those with whom he is in conflict). Sometimes that anger comes out toward me. He can occasionally bang his fist into the top of his desk. Do you think his actions are sufficient to relieve his anger or does this even help at all?
Your co-worker seems to be using the psychological defense of displacement, which means to take out the anger on something or someone else rather than on the original person who acted unfairly. In the short-run your co-worker might experience some relief from this catharsis, but in the long-run, as I am sure you know, his hitting the top of the desk will not solve the injustice. If your co-worker can do some forgiving and exercise this along with courage and a quest for justice, then he might be able to go to those at whom he is angry and talk it out in the hope of a fair resolution.
