Ask Dr. Forgiveness

You talk of release from emotional prison as a person forgives.  Is this the hardest step in the forgiveness process, to be released from that emotional prison of pain and suffering, or do you find that other steps in the forgiveness process are harder?

The answer, of course, will vary from person to person, but we have found that the initial decision to go ahead and forgive can be the hardest part of the forgiveness process because it is taking a step into the unknown (if the person never has tried to forgive in any deep way before). Also, if a person confuses forgiving with reconciling or excusing the behavior, the decision to forgive becomes very difficult because the person is misunderstanding what forgiveness is, seeing it as a weakness.  Once the true definition of forgiveness is clarified, people usually are ready to move forward with the forgiveness process.

How can a person be assured that upon forgiving, he or she will no longer experience any more negative emotions such as anger?

I think you are expecting too much from the forgiveness process.  As imperfect people, we do experience some left-over anger or sadness and this can rise and fall depending on circumstances (such as a new incident that reminds you of the previous injustice).  Therefore, I would encourage you to lower your standards for having some negative affect.  As long as the negative emotions are not controlling you, but instead you are in control of those emotions, I think you are doing well.

I think it is so important to foster forgiveness in families.  Children need to learn to forgive.  What advice can you give to parents for this?

Yes, I agree that it is of vital importance that this happen so that we can fortify children against the injustices that likely will occur when they are adults.  Knowing how to forgive can be a protection against the build-up of unhealthy anger.  Here is a link to one of my essays on the Psychology Today website that gives details on how a family can become a forgiving community:

Is Your Family a Forgiving Community?

What do I say to a partner who keeps pressuring me to forgive?  I am not a very virtuous person, he keeps telling me, if I will not forgive him.

A key question is this: Are you open to the possibility of forgiving in the future?  If so, then you can discuss with your partner that forgiving can take time.  You can clarify that your intention is to forgive, but you need a period of processing what happened, of dealing with your emotions (of sadness or anger, for example).  You should let him know that forgiveness is a choice which needs to emerge slowly for you in this case.  Even asking him for patience may reduce his pressure on you to forgive.

I have a problem with my partner.  He does not see that he has hurt me, despite my best efforts.  I now am wondering if reconciliation is even possible.  What I mean is that he keeps hurting me and doesn’t even see it.

This is a difficult situation because you now have a lack of trust that he can change.  I recommend that you first forgive him and from that softened-heart position, approach him at an opportune time and have this kind of a conversation with him: First, you could let him know that you suspect that he is practicing the psychological defense of denial, in that he possibly is afraid to see the truth of his hurtful actions.  Second, if he begins to see that he indeed is using the defense of denial, you then can let him know the extent of your hurt, for example, on a 1-to-10 scale with 10 being an enormous amount of hurt.  Third, if he sees this hurt and sees it as caused by his actions, the next step is to work with him on a plan to deliberately change the behavior that is causing the hurt.  Please keep in mind that even if all three strategies work, it still will take some time for you to build up trust because this tends to develop slowly after a pattern of injustices that cause hurt.  Your continuing to forgive may increase your patience with the trust process.