Ask Dr. Forgiveness
What is the relationship between forgiveness and self esteem? Is there a connection between them?
Yes, and our research shows over and over again that as people forgive, they start to like themselves more. In other words, when beaten down by others, the offended people tend to believe the lie. Forgiveness releases them from the lie that they are worthless and instead they see that all people have worth. Thus, their self-esteem rises.
How can we inspire someone to be forgiving, but not then feel like a perpetual victim?
Hearing about what forgiveness is and is not can motivate people to forgive. Simply trying forgiveness can be highly motivating because it puts love in the heart when done well. Also when forgiving is done well, the forgiver engages in the moral virtue of humility, which should help the forgiver to avoid a continual sense of victimhood with a “you owe me one” attitude.
I know that forgiving is important in both Judaism and Christianity. Is forgiveness mentioned in other faiths or worldviews such as Islam or Buddhism?
There is a book in the Koran called Joseph, which is based on the story of Joseph forgiving his half-brothers in Genesis within the Hebrew scriptures. Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism have favorable views of forgiving. My book, Forgiveness Therapy, discusses these different viewpoints. The different world religions do not talk negatively about forgiveness. Buddhism does not have a word for forgiveness, but some of the stories in Buddhism show forgiveness. Again, I discuss this in the book, Forgiveness Therapy.
When a close friend really hurt me deeply I felt attacked mentally, physically, and emotionally. I always felt out of control. I faced humiliation and suffered anxiety. I developed migraine headaches and spent time in the hospital. Their words made me feel worthless. Am I worthless?
You most certainly are not worthless. Why? It is because all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable. There never was a person on this earth quite like you…..and there never will be again. As with the case of self-esteem or negative feelings toward the self, your thinking sometimes can become too general about who you are relative to the betrayals which you have experienced. You might slowly, and without even noticing it, drift into negative self-statements about who you are as a person. It is time to resurrect the truth: You are a person of worth no matter what, not matter how much pain you have, no matter the condemning statements from others. I urge you to re-read the previous sentence until this new thinking about who you are is solidified and consistent within you. You….have…..great……worth.
You favor forgiveness education programs in world conflict zones. Yet, haven’t these conflicts gone on and on for centuries in some places? If so, why bother with forgiveness education since the conflicts likely will not end even in these young children’s lifetimes?
You are correct that some people live with injustices that are not likely to end in their lifetime. Even if forgiveness does not completely get rid of all injustices, that forgiveness will heal individuals, families, and communities from the damaging effects of the injustice (deep resentment, hatred, and the resulting anxiety, depression, and hopelessness that too often accompany unsolved injustice). A quest for justice is good and important. Yet, the quest for justice alone in these circumstances can lead to frustration, anger, and the displacement of that anger onto one’s own children and community members, leading to serious psychological compromise. Forgiveness can reverse and prevent these negative effects.
