Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Forgive and forget: Do these really fit together?

I have come to realize that when we forgive, we do not develop a kind of moral amnesia.  Instead, we remember in new ways, without the deep pain we experienced at first.  We tend to remember the hurtful experiences of our life (such as a broken bone when the adult-person was a child, for example).  When we remember injustices in new ways, this helps us avoid being treated badly again in the same way by the same person.

In my country, people adhere to the idea of filial piety or honoring the parents no matter what. I am worried that if I forgive one of my parents, then I am no longer showing filial piety. What do you think?

When we forgive, we are saying that certain behaviors are unjust.  We separate the person, as possessing inherent worth in spite of that behavior, and the actions, which are considered wrong.  So, you can honor your parent as parent, as person, and still make the correct judgement that sometimes even our parents can act inappropriately.  In other words, you can forgive and maintain filial piety at the same time.

May I ask one more question about the definition of what forgiveness is? I am wondering if offering respect for the other is as strong as offering what you call agape love to that person.

Respect toward someone who has hurt you is very honorable, even courageous.  Yet, offering love is a higher virtue.  Why?  It is because agape love includes service to the other for the other’ sake (to help the person to change the unacceptable behavior).  One can show respect for another from a distance, without this challenging quality of assisting the other in moral growth.

Ok, I see that forgiving is more than “moving on.” Yet, what if I just want to tolerate the other. Is this forgiveness?

To tolerate may be part of the forgiveness process if you previously had deep annoyance or thoughts of revenge.  Toleration is similar to “do no harm” and so may be a beginning of the forgiveness process, but, as you may be seeing now, is not part of the essence of forgiving or what it is at its core.

Thank you for addressing my question about the issue of whether or not people can forgive situations. I now understand that we do not forgive situations. I have another question: Some people say that forgiveness is “moving on” from injustices. So, is forgiving a “moving on” from the other person?

There is a difference between what forgiveness is in its essence (the basic truth of what it is) and how forgiveness is expressed in existence (what we are able to offer to the other right now).  In its essence, which is difficult to accomplish without much practice, an offended person who forgives offers love to the offending person.  That kind of love sometimes is called agape love, or love that is in service to the other person. 

Yet, the actual existence of a person’s forgiving right now (what the forgiver can offer) can be far less than this.  Sometimes all a person can do is to commit to “do no harm” to the offending person.  This is not the same as “moving on,” which can occur with indifference or even hatred (“I am moving on because I hate the other person.”).  Thus, forgiving is not the same as “moving on.”