Ask Dr. Forgiveness
As a follow-up to my question about growing in our humanity when we forgive, do you think that our forgiving others can help them grow in their humanity?
The philosophy of virtue-ethics has as one of its major premises that all people have free will. This is the case because, without our free choices in life, we cannot willingly decide, for example, to be just or fair to others. When you forgive someone for unjust behavior, you are giving that person the opportunity to examine that behavior and to change. Yet, because of the premise of free will, it now is up to that person how to grow in fairness. The person will need insight (I did wrong), have inner sorrow (remorse), apologize (repent), and amend the ways that are unfair. Your forgiving will not automatically lead to all of this, but again, you are offering an important opportunity in that direction for the one who offended.
I have anger left over after having gone though your forgiveness process. Does this mean that I have not forgiven?
The answer depends on how much anger you still have. As you know, when a person has a sports injury and seeks medical help, there often is a chart in the doctor’s office with a 1-to-10 scale showing different levels of pain and the patient’s task is to place a number on the pain. I now ask you to take that 1-to-10 chart and turn it into a measure of anger. How much anger is in your heart, most of the time, when you think back to the person who hurt you? Let us say that 1 equals very minimal anger and 10 equals almost unbearable anger. Where do you place your anger on this 1-to-10 scale? If the level of anger is in the 1-4 range this is quite typical. Many people do have some residual anger left over after they have forgiven.
In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you talk about finding meaning in suffering. You talk about growing beyond yourself. What does this mean?
When people find meaning in suffering they often develop a deeper sense of what it means to be a person. You may begin to see, for example, that your suffering has shown you that all people suffer, all people are emotionally wounded to one degree or another. You begin to realize that your suffering is making you a more sensitive person to other people. In other words, your world expands as you see humanity more deeply.
Where and how can you start to forgive yourself?
I have found that self-forgiveness for many people is more difficult than forgiving others because we are harder on ourselves. So, I recommend that first you forgive someone who has hurt you. We have several self-help books for this, such as The Forgiving Life. Once you know the pathway of forgiving others, then you can apply that learning to yourself. You can begin to see your own inherent (built-in) worth. You can start to bear the pain of what happened so that you are not continually condemning yourself for what you did in the past. You can begin to welcome yourself back into the human community.
You can read some specifics about self-forgiveness by clicking on the Set Yourself Free link below, which is from my blog at Psychology Today, also called The Forgiving Life:
Another source is the chapter on self-forgiveness in my book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness.
I wish you the best in this healing journey.
It is hard to see the other’s wounds when she wounded me a hundred times more than what she is carrying around. When I try to look at her wounds it makes me frustrated and sad because of all the wasted time and all the hurt created. Will I ever be able to overcome this?
Yes, I truly believe you will overcome this with a determined will. Sometimes we have to fight for our healing and endure with great patience, but never, ever give up. Do not expect too much too soon. The forgiveness journey is just that, a journey and a challenging one at times. Yet, with practice you lessen anger a little more and then a little more until you can see the progress. As you are able, please keep reaching out to the other person as best you can today. Your mercy given to others will come back to you.
Based on a response in 8 Keys to Forgiveness, Chapter 5.
