Ask Dr. Forgiveness
What is a good definition of self-forgiveness and how does it differ from forgiving another person?
Self-forgiveness occurs when people, upon rational reflection, realize that they have broken their own moral standards. They then decide and try to rid themselves of resentment toward the self and to offer love once again to the self, seeing the self’s worth. Self-forgiving differs from forgiving others in this: When people break their own standards they often offend other people in that action. Thus, as people self-forgive, then they need to go to those others who were offended and seek forgiveness from them.
For additional information, see Self-Forgiveness.
I have heard that self-forgiveness is impossible because you cannot be your own judge and be the defendant at the same time. What do you think?
Self-forgiveness does not take place in a court of law, but within the human heart. We judge our own behavior all the time: Was that the right decision? Was I overly harsh with my friend? When people reason that they have broken their own standard, then they can forgive themselves.
For additional information, see Self-Forgiveness.
I have heard a lot lately that certain offenses never should be forgiven. Incest is an example. So many say that a women who experiences such abuse is foolish to forgive, to offer mercy to the perpetrator. This makes me so sad for our society that lets bitterness cloud perception. In my view, forgiveness in this case literally is the only way to heal from the atrocity. She can set herself free. I am wondering what your view is of this.
I, too, see a strong tendency in some people to condemn those who forgive atrocities. Yet, forgiveness is one of those moral virtues that is the chose of the one who was treated unjustly. If a person chooses to forgive, this truly is the person’s free will decision and others should not stand in the way, insisting that their own will be the final decision. Even if forgiving is “the only way to heal,” we should not try to force others to forgive. This is because the choice whether or not to forgive belongs to the one injured. You could present the case for forgiving, but in the end, the other, upon weighing the evidence, needs to decide.
For additional information, see Forgiveness is a Choice.
Can being angry have positive consequences?
Yes, if the anger is short-lived and is a call to action to right a wrong. My worry, as spelled out in the book, Forgiveness Therapy, with Dr. Fitzgibbons, is anger that becomes prolonged (months or years) and intense. This can lead to a host of psychological compromises. We need to make the distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
You probably have heard the expression, “No pain….no gain.” I sometimes wonder if forgiving, which reduces pain, gets in the way of growth.
The expression “no pain….no gain” does not imply that one must be in constant pain to grow as a person. In weightlifting, for example, the pain is temporary for more long-term growth of muscles and strength. I think it is similar for a person’s psychology. The pain from unjust treatment is our forgiveness-gym as we develop our forgiveness muscles. The point, as it is in weightlifting, is to stop the pain so that one can grow. So, we do grow as we go though the pain. We also grow in character as we forgive. In other words, pain, working through pain, and finding relief from the pain all work together to help a person grow in virtue and character.
For additional information, see Bearing the Pain.
