Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Thank you for answering my question about getting to know what forgiveness is. I have another question for you: Is it possible for most people to go through the forgiveness process (your 20-unit Process Model) in a genuine way and to the full extent of forgiving?
I again, will refer to Aristotle and his wisdom about becoming perfected in the moral virtues. According to Aristotle’s observations, all people have the potential for perfection in the moral virtues, but we do not reach that highest level of perfection because we are imperfect beings. This actually keeps life interesting. As we strive to get better in forgiveness or justice or love, we always have room for more improvement. Yes, we do get better with practice, but no matter what our age or experience, we can look forward to more insights, surprises, and growth.
Is it possible for most people to understand what forgiveness actually is? I mean, can the vast majority of people come to an accurate understanding of what forgiveness is, without distortion?
I adhere to the philosophy of Aristotelian realism. This philosophy assumes that people can use their rational faculties to understand the world. For example, we can distinguish horses from cats because both are real and so are accessible to our reason. Although much more abstract than horses or cats, forgiveness is accessible to us as are all of the moral virtues such as justice or patience. Yet, it takes effort and practice to truly and deeply know, for example, how forgiveness differs from the other virtues (forgiveness is offering goodness specifically to others who have been unjust). In other words, without the persistent effort to know what forgiveness is, people could confuse it with “just letting the unfairness go” or abandoning justice. Yet, with the persistent effort, yes, most people should be able to understand what forgiveness is.
Is it selfish to forgive? After all, I do it to feel better. I do it for me.
There is a difference between what forgiveness is and why we do it. To forgive, by definition, is to be good to those who are not good to you. This is not a focus on the self, but on the other. If your motivation is to feel better, this is reasonable, especially if you are experiencing inner discomfort because of ongoing resentment. Thus, what forgiveness is and your current motivation can differ. One (the forgiving) is centered on the other. Your motivation is centered on your own healing. Neither of these is selfish. As a final point, not all motivations to forgive are centered on self-healing. For example, a person might be motivated to forgive for the sake of the one who offended.
Would people-pleasers forgive more easily than others?
If a person is forgiving only to please others, such as to please one’s parents who are encouraging an adult son to forgive his partner, then the forgiving may not be genuine. Genuine forgiveness comes from within the forgiver, who sees the goodness in forgiveness, is motivated to forgive, and then goes ahead with the forgiveness process.
In reflecting lately on forgiveness, I am left with a certain hopelessness and powerlessness regarding society. I feel this way because, in thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion that those who have been brutalized by others, such as incest survivors, really have no other choice than to forgive if they are to save themselves from a life of deep resentment and all that negatively goes with that. What do you think about my thinking?
I agree that forgiveness can be a bold, courageous, and even controversial response to brutality. Yet, for those who choose to forgive, they can become much more psychologically resilient and the science supports that conclusion. I am wondering why this makes you hopeless. You, yourself, see one solution to the anger and even hopelessness of the victims. I agree that not all who are brutalized will forgive, but for those who do, they can reverse the psychological damage done even when it is impossible to reverse the offense itself. This, to me, is a cause of hope, not hopelessness.
