Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I know on a rational level that all people deserve to be forgiven. Yet, I sometimes feel guilty when I forgive someone, especially when I feel that he or she does not deserve my forgiveness. It is a feeling I just cannot shake. It seems too easy to rationalize this away by saying that everyone deserves it. Down deep, I do not feel this way sometimes and the guilt bothers me. What do you suggest?
May we make an important distinction between two meanings of the word “deserve”? There are two meanings to that word, one broad meaning and one narrow meaning.
First let us focus on the broad meaning. When you use the word “deserve,” you might mean that all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable and so each of us, because of our personhood, “deserves” to experience mercy at some times in our lives.
Second, now let us turn to the narrower meaning of the word, a more fine-lined meaning of “deserve,” which centers on the actual injustice committed against you. We can reason, “Because this person betrayed (disrespected, robbed, whatever is a serious injustice) me, I think that he does not deserve my forgiveness.” In this second use of the word “deserve,” you are absolutely correct. The person, because of what he did to you, does not “deserve” your forgiveness. Do you know why? Because you are using a justice word (“deserve”) rather than a word connoting mercy.
Forgiveness is not centered in justice, but instead in mercy. Because this is the case, a person’s specific act of injustice (in this second use of the word “deserve”) negates his *right* to your forgiveness. It is not just or fair that the person has a right to your forgiveness. You are free to give that forgiveness whenever you wish and you are not giving it because the offense was slight or because he now did something extraordinary to earn it.
No one can earn our forgiveness; otherwise it is an act of justice, not mercy. He cannot earn it, therefore he cannot deserve it in this narrow sense. When you struggle with others’ deserving or not deserving your forgiveness, try to remember two things:
1) All of us deserve mercy some of the time because we are persons and all persons (because we are special, unique, and irreplaceable) deserve to have mercy. This does not mean that you have to extend that mercy every time with every person for every event if you are not ready; and
2) No one deserves mercy in the second, narrower meaning of that term. Try to see that your forgiveness is not in the realm of justice at all, where there is earning and rights and deservingness. Shift your focus and see forgiveness for what it is—a willed expression of mercy. This might help you to forge ahead with forgiveness and lessen your guilt.
Sometimes I start the process of forgiveness, but then change my mind and I am not ready any more to forgive. Is this ok? I mean, I almost feel forced to continue the process, especially if I tell the other person that I will try to forgive him. I don???t like to feel forced into something as personal as forgiveness.
You have an assumption which I would like to gently challenge. Just because you have changed your mind and have ceased for now to forgive does not mean that you are not engaged in the forgiveness process. Sometimes that process leads us to taking much-needed breaks.
Forgiveness is hard work and so when you need a break, please do so without guilt.
Think of it this way. Suppose you are on a cross-country bike ride, which will take you many days to complete. After the first day, when you put your bicycle away and go to bed for the night, have you ceased to be on the journey? The answer, of course, is no, you have not ceased. You simply are on a particular phase of the journey that requires rest.
Think of forgiveness this way, too. It is not a sprint to the finish line. Instead, forgiveness is a process, a journey that takes time and during that time we rest. It is your choice. Resist the pressure to be constantly vigilant in your forgiving. Giving yourself permission to back off, rest, and then begin again will likely bring greater joy on the journey for you.
Is the saying “Forgive and forget” true? Do we forget when we forgive?
“Forgive and forget” is such a common expression. It actually was the title to Lewis Smedes’ 1984 book. He, by the way, was not thrilled with that title. The publisher chose the title, as I understand it.
When we forgive someone for a considerable injustice, we do not develop a kind of moral amnesia, somehow blotting out the memory of our deepest wounds. No, we instead recall the deep hurts against us, lest they happen again. Instead of forgetting, I think we remember in new ways. We look back and instead of seeing an evil person who hurt us, we see a wounded person. Instead of seeing ourselves as crushed by the event, we see ourselves as having grown stronger because of it. We remember with a greater gentleness, more compassion, even more love.
I am in an ongoing relationship with a man who is basically good, but he tends to be subtly snide, kind of doing a slow burn so often. How can I forgive him when he keeps being mildly insensitive over and over and over again?
It sounds as if his behavior is annoying but not harmful based on what you say. If he were abusive, this is different from being “subtly snide” or “mildly insensitive.” Please keep in mind that forgiveness does not mean that you throw justice out the window. You can forgive and keep working with him on how he communicates, with an eye toward mutual respect in the communication.
All of that said, it is important to realize that forgiveness in this context is very important as a way for your resentments not to become too deep. Try to forgive as soon as he is insensitive and try to make this an ongoing habit. It is more difficult to forgive, I find, when people have offended us multiple times. The 20th time is harder than the first time because we expect it to end and when it does not, anger can build. So, the steady practice of forgiveness can be a counter to his steady “mild” insensitivity. In other words, forgiveness can be a protection for you and, with reduced resentment, a means of helping you to ask for justice in a positive way.
I was deeply hurt by some words my best friend said to me. She kind of shocked me, actually, by what she said. I immediately said that I forgave her for that. Now I am wondering if I acted too quickly. Can a person forgive too soon?
A person can forgive falsely too soon, but there is no such thing as forgiving in a genuine way too soon. By falsely forgive I mean a kind of forgiveness that is insincere, done more out of pride or expediency rather than out of a heart-felt sense of compassion for the one who was unfair. We can forgive a boss who asks us, if this means keeping our job, while all the time we are fuming inside. This is not genuine and will likely not be helpful for either the forgiver or the forgiven.
On the other hand, there are actually documented cases of quick forgiveness of people who have perpetrated horrendous injustices. Here is one example: Corrie Ten Boom survived a concentration camp during World War II. She wrote a book, The Hiding Place, about her experiences.
Following the war, she was in a German church talking about the virtues of forgiveness. After the talk, people came up to greet her. Much to her horror, the SS officer who abused her years ago extended his hand to her, asking for forgiveness. She did not want to grant it. She then said a quick prayer and, as she reports, she felt something like an electrical surge go through her right arm and so she was able both to shake his hand and at the same time to offer a love for this man that surprised even her. Without debating the issue of prayer here, she did experience something that day that was genuine forgiveness and was both sudden and complete.
The more you practice forgiveness, the more easily you will be able to practice it in a genuine way, at least at times and for certain circumstances.
