Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Ok, I see that forgiving is more than “moving on.” Yet, what if I just want to tolerate the other. Is this forgiveness?
To tolerate may be part of the forgiveness process if you previously had deep annoyance or thoughts of revenge. Toleration is similar to “do no harm” and so may be a beginning of the forgiveness process, but, as you may be seeing now, is not part of the essence of forgiving or what it is at its core.
Thank you for addressing my question about the issue of whether or not people can forgive situations. I now understand that we do not forgive situations. I have another question: Some people say that forgiveness is “moving on” from injustices. So, is forgiving a “moving on” from the other person?
There is a difference between what forgiveness is in its essence (the basic truth of what it is) and how forgiveness is expressed in existence (what we are able to offer to the other right now). In its essence, which is difficult to accomplish without much practice, an offended person who forgives offers love to the offending person. That kind of love sometimes is called agape love, or love that is in service to the other person.
Yet, the actual existence of a person’s forgiving right now (what the forgiver can offer) can be far less than this. Sometimes all a person can do is to commit to “do no harm” to the offending person. This is not the same as “moving on,” which can occur with indifference or even hatred (“I am moving on because I hate the other person.”). Thus, forgiving is not the same as “moving on.”
Is there a difference between accepting a situation and forgiving?
Yes, there is a large difference between the two. You never forgive situations, but instead you forgive persons for their unjust actions against you or against those about whom you care. Because a situation is not a person, you do not forgive situations.
What is meant by pseudo-forgiveness?
Pseudo-forgiveness is what we call false forgiveness or having a philosophically incorrect view of what forgiveness is. For example, a person is engaging in false forgiveness when thinking and saying, “There really was no problem at all, now that I think about it.” Another example is thinking that one can just “move on” from an unpleasant situation with another person without doing the hard work of trying to see the worth in the other person and acting on that.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
How long does it take before I can expect some emotional relief in the forgiveness process?
This will depend on how recently you were hurt, how deeply you were hurt, who hurt you, and your experience with the forgiveness process. Our research shows that if you can work on forgiving for about 12 weeks for serious offenses against you, then relief from excessive anger and anxiety can begin to occur. As a perspective on time, Dr. Suzanne Freedman and I did a study of incest survivors and it took about 14 months for the women to experience emotional relief. Although this may seem like a long time, please keep in mind that some of the women were struggling with anxiety and depression for years before they started to forgive.
For additional information, see Intervention with Incest Survivors.
