Ask Dr. Forgiveness
If I don’t feel like giving a gift to the one who offended me, does this mean I am failing in the forgiveness process?
No, it does not mean failure. It only means that you have not reached that part of the forgiveness process yet. If you have already done some of the work of forgiving, such as examining an accurate definition of forgiveness, seeing the other person as truly human despite the offense, and beginning to soften your heart toward this person, you definitely have been walking the path of forgiveness.
One reason for educating children about forgiveness is to prepare them for the injustices they will experience in adulthood. I also suppose that a longitudinal study to explore this from childhood to adulthood would take at least 20 years, so it probably hasn’t been done yet. Would this be a worthwhile study?
This would be an amazing study and also a difficult study because, as you say, the researchers would have to wait decades to see the effects of the forgiveness education in adulthood. Yet, for now, this is an important hypothesis. Locating the children when they are adults might be very difficult, especially in conflict zones of the world, where geographic mobility is common. Yet, your idea is a great one worth keeping in mind by researchers.
I am wondering about the idea that forgiveness involves, as you say, “giving a gift” to the one who was unfair. I can imagine, in some cases, that this could backfire, with the other person rejecting the gift and even being critical of it. What do you think?
Yes, the one who decides to give a gift to the other is taking a risk. Usually, the other is grateful for it, but at times the scenario can unfold as you describe in your question. When that happens, it can catch the gift-giver off guard. This, then, can be another occasion for forgiving to take place. If the forgiver has good reason to fear backlash from the gift-giving, it can be given indirectly, such as donating money to charity in the other’s name without announcing it.
What is the clue that people in a romantic relationship truly have forgiven each other? My concern is residual anger that could chip away at the relationship.
If each person is now concerned about the other’s welfare and shows it, then it seems to me that both have forgiven. If there is residual anger, the other is going to see this because the anger will be coming at this other person. When this happens, it is a good idea to first forgive, even for this new expression of anger, and then to gently ask the other for a change in this kind of communication that includes some anger. Because both have made progress in forgiving, I suspect that such feedback will be taken seriously by the one showing the anger.
I currently am taking a college class on forgiveness that lasts a semester. Do you think I will be able to master the fine art of forgiveness by then?
It depends on how deeply others hurt you. Deep hurts can take time and should not be rushed. Within a semester, you should be able to make good progress in forgiving. Please keep in mind that we are all imperfect forgivers, as the late Lewis Smedes said in his 1984 book Forgive and Forget. Even if you still have some residual anger left over at the end of the semester, you can continue working on the process of forgiving once the semester ends. Also, please keep in mind that having some residual anger left over does not mean you have not forgiven. As long as the anger is not controlling you, you likely will have forgiven if you wish the other well, see this person’s humanity, and show mercy to the extent this person will let you interact.
