Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I am somewhat convinced that if a particular person leaves my life, then he will not be hurting my family or me any more. Am I correct in thinking this way, or should I forgive anyway?
Forgiveness need not be reserved only for the times in which you feel deep resentment which might be making you miserable. At times, you might want to forgive simply because forgiveness is centered in goodness because it is a moral virtue. In this latter case, you are forgiving because forgiveness is an end in and of itself. Regarding this issue of deep resentment, it can stay with us even when people physically move away from us. They still remain in the heart and the heart can be restless until the offended person forgives. So, even if the one who hurt you leaves, you can forgive because: a) forgiveness is good in and of itself and b) you might still be resentful and want to be free of that.
For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?
You emphasize the idea of finding meaning in the suffering. What do you mean by the term meaning?
Dr. Viktor Frankl was the first mental health professional who emphasized the term “meaning” in the context of great suffering. He was imprisoned in Auschwitz during World War II. He observed that when prisoners found no meaning in their suffering within the concentration camp, they died. Those who found meaning in their suffering lived. Dr. Frankl found meaning by looking up to the mountains when on a forced march outside the camp. He reveled in the beauty and found meaning in the fact that this is a world filled with beauty despite grave suffering. He found meaning in being determined to be reunited with his wife. When people are treated unjustly and then forgive, they often find this meaning: They now are more aware of the suffering in other people and they are motivated to help alleviate that suffering. This can give determination, energy, and hope to a person and help to re-establish psychological health.
For additional information, see Finding Meaning in Suffering.
Can you help me with this idea of “bearing the pain”? It seems to me that if I “bear” this pain, it is like putting an 80 pound sack of potatoes on my back. It will not heal me but crush me.
I would urge you to think about this bearing the pain as a paradox. A paradox looks to be a contradiction, but is not. In this case, the more you bear the pain and do so willingly, then you begin to stand in the pain. As you stand in the pain, then that pain begins to lift, a little at a time. Then, over time, the pain leaves. At that point you begin to realize just how strong you really are. You have taken the pain and have overcome it. Of course, in the case of the forgiveness process, bearing the pain does not occur in isolation but instead in the context of other units in that process.
For additional information, see Bearing the Pain.
With regard to the popular saying, “forgive and forget,” is it unwise for me to want to forget?
Some people are afraid that, if they forget, then the other person’s injustice will emerge again. Others, as in your case, want to forget. When we “forget” in your case, we tend to let the memory fade so that it is not constantly coming up for us and challenging our happiness. I find that as people forgive, they do forget in the sense of no longer having to continually relive the event in their mind. What tends to happen is this: People now remember in new ways and look back less frequently. By “remembering in new ways” I mean that when you look back, you do so with far less pain than in the past. People look back less frequently because, when filled with resentment, there is a tendency to ruminate on what happened in the hope of solving the unpleasant issue. Upon forgiving, you may not have solved the problem, but you have solved the nagging effects of that problem such as anger, fatigue, and sadness. So, it is wise to engage in “forgive and forget” as described here.
For additional information, see Forgive and Forget: What Does it Mean?
How young can someone be to start forgiving?
We have found that pre-kindergarten children (age 4) and kindergarten children (age 5) are able to follow picture-book stories centered on family love. This is an important foundation for learning how to forgive. We have found through our scientific studies that children as young as 6-years-old can understand the causes and consequences to behavior. They, therefore, can understand unjust actions by others (a cause) and the development of resentment in the offended person (a consequence). Further, these 6-year-old children then can understand that the resentment can be overcome by forgiving, which in some cases can restore relationships (if the other is willing to cooperate).
For additional information, see Your Kids Are Smarter Than You Think.
