Ask Dr. Forgiveness

What do you recommend in this situation. My friend has been deeply hurt by an employer. Yet, the friend refuses to speak with me about this. She, in other words, is not trusting anyone with her thoughts and feelings about this. What can I do?

The best you can do right now is to unconditionally love your friend. Her internal wounds are too new for her to talk. Being there as a support for her, even if she says nothing, may increase her trust. When she is ready, she will talk with you.

For additional information, see All You Need is Love.

I am trying to forgive my sister. I was very angry with her. Unfortunately, I dumped my anger on her and now she has to forgive me for doing this. What do you suggest?

It is common in close relationships that both people may have to forgive the other at the same time. There is nothing wrong with this. A key is this: Please keep in mind that each of you may be at a different point in the forgiveness process. For example, you may be very ready to forgive her, but she is still too angry to consider forgiving you. In a situation like this, I recommend that you go as deeply as you can in forgiving her and, at the same time, apologize to your sister for “dumping” your anger onto her. Your apologizing may aid her process of forgiving.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Is a Choice.

I had a close friend group. Because of Quarantine our friendship got strained. All of the friends, except for me, are getting into college, transition to their next stage of life. I have always felt like a burden and worthless compared to them. So, being friends with them made me feel like I had worth. We now have had some conflicts and I hurt one of the friends who cannot get past the conflict, even though I apologized.  She does not believe I have grown, even though I have. What can I do?

I recommend four approaches:

1) Please reflect on the fact that you have inherent (built-in) worth no matter your state in life.  Your friends are not more important than you are just because they are going to college.  You all share the fact that each of you is special, unique, and irreplaceable;

2) Your apologizing is a very good first step.  Congratulations for doing this.  It now is time for some patience.  Sometimes others are not ready to receive our apologies just yet and so we have to wait for a while;

3) If your friend continues to say that you “have not grown,” you could begin to forgive her for this incorrect judgement;

4) Once you have forgiven her for this, you might consider re-approaching her with this: You already have shown remorse or inner sorrow.  You already had repented as seen in your apology.  Is there anything else she thinks that she needs from you now so that her trust toward you can become re-established?

If you engage in these four approaches, it is my hope that your friendship with her and with your group will occur.

For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.

What are some dangers in reconciling with another who was not trustworthy in the past?

Here are three cautions for you:

1. If you reconcile too quickly without the other showing any remorse, repentance, or recompense, then this could be a false reconciliation in which you may be hurt again in the same way.
2. Please do not think of forgiving and reconciling as the same. You can forgive from the heart, but then not reconcile if the other continues to be a danger to you. If you equate the two, then as you forgive, you may feel a false obligation to reconcile.
3. If you are still angry and not forgiving, then, without realizing it, you might use reconciliation as a weapon, in which you come together in a superficial way and then you keep reminding the other of how bad he/she has been and how good you have been.  This is why you need forgiveness to occur before a deep reconciliation occurs.

For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?

How do I know—-really know—-that I am ready to reconcile with someone?

Reconciliation is different from forgiveness.  When we reconcile, this is a process of two or more people coming together again in mutual trust.  Reconciliation is conditional on the other person’s willingness to change, if he or she was the one who acted unfairly.  Forgiveness, in contrast, can be offered unconditionally to the other as a form of respect, understanding, compassion, and even love, even if there is no reconciliation.  So, you can forgive without reconciling.

With all of this as background, here are four questions which might help you decide if you are ready to reconcile (and I am presuming that the other is the one who has hurt you):

1) Has the other shown an inner sorrow about what he or she did?  We call this remorse;

2) Has the person verbally expressed this sorrow to you.  We call this repentance;

3)  Has the person made amends for what happened (and we have to ask if he or she has done so within reason because sometimes we cannot make full amends.  For example, if someone stole $1,000 from you but truly cannot repay it all, then you cannot expect that he or she can make amends in any perfect way).  We call this recompense;

4)  If the person has shown what I call the “three R’s” of remorse, repentance, and recompense, then do you have even a little trust in your heart toward the person?  If so, then perhaps you can begin a slow reconciliation, taking small steps in rebuilding the relationship.  Your answer to these four questions may help you with your question: How do I know that I now am ready to reconcile?

For additional information, see: I thought it was possible to forgive someone without ever trusting them again. Is this not true?