Ask Dr. Forgiveness
How can I say, “I forgive you” to a system that has oppressed my people for a long time. I am a “person of color” and it is my understanding that to forgive involves a concrete, flesh-and-blood other person. This is not the case with a system.
You are correct that you are unable to say directly to a system, “I forgive you.” It sometimes is the same with concrete, “flesh and blood” other people. For example, you can forgive from your heart without words to a person who abandons you, whom you now cannot see. When you forgive a system it can be from the heart and from the actions you take toward that system. After all, systems are made up of people and people create norms that can be hurtful to some groups in that system. So, you are able to forgive the system if this is your choice. It is more abstract than forgiving one concrete, “flesh and blood” other person, but you can extend kindness and generosity to the unseen others who established and continue with unfair norms. Of course, this does not mean that you give up the quest for justice. Forgiveness and justice exist side by side.
For additional information, see How to Forgive.
I am a victim of incest. My father has died and I refuse to go to his graveside. Does this mean I am not forgiving him?
Your not going to your father’s graveside does not necessarily indicate that you have not forgiven. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you are finished with all negative emotions. Classical conditioning may be happening here in that you associate the grave with the incest and it makes you uncomfortable or anxious. Staying away under this condition is understandable. If you are doing no harm to your father in that you are not talking negatively about him to family members or others, you may be on the path to forgiving.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
My boss abruptly and without warning dismissed me from my position last week. Since then, I have had thoughts of revenge, not to actually do anything, just fantasy. Is this part of forgiveness or is this a symptom that I am unforgiving?
Fantasies of revenge show you that you are highly resentful of your boss’ actions. An initial period of anger, even intense anger, is common when there is severe injustice. The key now is what you want to do with that anger. Do you want to keep that anger and nurture it or do you want to be rid of it? If you want to be rid of it, then this may be the beginning of forgiveness.
A next step in forgiving is this: Are you engaging in forgiveness only to be done with the resentment or are you actually exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness by wishing your boss well? When you get to the point of wanting good for the boss, then you are engaging in the deep issues of forgiveness.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
My mother refuses to accept my forgiveness. I am an adult who lives away from home now. She denies any neglect even though both my brother and I carry scars from her inattention when we were growing up. My brother and I carefully have examined this issue and we are in agreement about the unfairness. How do we get my mother to see this?
It never is too late to establish affectionate relationships. You do see that what happened with your mother has damaged your trust and this an important insight. If you start to forgive your mother now, this is a start with establishing trust more generally. Forgiveness itself does not necessarily engender trust, but it does make one open to trust because, if others fail you, at least you begin to realize that you have a way of confronting and overcoming resentment—through forgiving them.
In other words, forgiveness is a safety net against the wounds of others. So, I would recommend that you start to cultivate a sense of forgiveness toward your mother and, when you are ready, be open to others, knowing that any unfairness on their part will not lead to a crushing resentment within you as you practice forgiveness in these new situations and relationships.
For additional information, see How to Forgive.
My partner and I have quite different political views. I respect his position, but he definitely does not respect mine. We argue a lot. My question to you: How can I forgive him when he is so aggressive about political matters?
I think you need to talk with him about what it means to be a person. Are people more than their political positions? If so, what is this “more” that goes beyond the political? Does he see these other important qualities in you? I think he needs to broaden his perspective that human beings in their importance transcend politics. This is not easy to learn and so he and you will have to work on this more transcendent perspective. As you forgive, try to see these larger human qualities in your partner. Such a wider perspective likely will help you in the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.
