Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I am more hurt than angry at the person who was unfair to me. Because I do not have anger, does this mean I do not have to forgive?
One reason why we forgive is because we are starting to be psychologically compromised because of deep anger or resentment. Another reason why we forgive is for the sake of the other person, to give that person a second chance. A third reason why we forgive is because forgiveness is a moral virtue which extends respect and even love to the other. Thus, you should feel free to forgive for points 2 and 3 mentioned here. Also, hurt that is not addressed can lead to resentment and so you may be preventing the first point from occurring as you forgive.
I am trying to forgive a family member, but this person stubbornly refuses to admit the wrong. I am now offended a second time as the person shows no sorrow at all. What do I do now?
You now have two forgiveness processes in which to engage with regard to this person: the original offense and now the offense of the person’s denying that there was any wrongdoing. The issue now is this: Would you prefer to continue forgiving the person for the original offense or would you rather switch to this new offense of the person denying wrongdoing? That choice is yours. If this refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing by the other is hampering your ability to forgive, then you might want to take some time now to forgive for this refusal to accept your first overture of forgiving. You then can go back to that original offense after doing this new forgiveness work.
Does forgiving require me to abandon my psychological defense mechanisms altogether? What if in the future I need a little denial to protect myself from intensive anger or anxiety?
To forgive in one context, let us call it Situation A, does require that you reduce the defense mechanisms that prevent you from seeing the depth of your own hurt and anger. This can be done slowly and gently.
Your having lowered those defense mechanisms in Situation A does not mean that you will have lost your natural ability to have defense mechanisms in the future. In other words, breaking denial in Situation A does not mean that denial will not operate well in Situation B. Denial still will need to be slowly lowered in Situation B if that denial is not allowing you to see that you are angry, that the anger is compromising your well-being, and that you need to do something about that anger.
Read more about dealing with defense mechanisms in Forgiveness Is a Choice.
If you could offer one piece of advice for beginning a conversation about forgiveness, what would you say to the one who wishes to forgive?
A person need not tell others that they are forgiven. Yet, if you wish to bring this into the open, I first would wait until the other is in a good mood before bringing this up. I would start gently by saying something like this (presuming that the context is one in which you would like reconciliation): “I respect you and like you. May I say something about Incident X in which we had that argument?” I then would not go into any details of Incident X and instead talk of your positive feelings and thoughts relative to forgiving.
In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you talk about the psychological defense mechanisms. You say, in one part, that we use the defense mechanisms to hide anger from ourselves. Yet, is it possible that anger itself is a defense mechanism against disappointment or embarrassment?
Yes, you make a good point. Anger, indeed, can be a defense mechanism in the form of displacement. A person displaces an emotion onto another so that the real issue remains hidden. So, the psychological defense of denial can mask anger; displacement of anger can mask disappointment or embarrassment, as you say. Both anger and disappointment may need to be addressed in the same person.
Read more about defense mechanisms in Forgiveness Is a Choice.
