Ask Dr. Forgiveness
If you could offer one piece of advice for beginning a conversation about forgiveness, what would you say to the one who wishes to forgive?
A person need not tell others that they are forgiven. Yet, if you wish to bring this into the open, I first would wait until the other is in a good mood before bringing this up. I would start gently by saying something like this (presuming that the context is one in which you would like reconciliation): “I respect you and like you. May I say something about Incident X in which we had that argument?” I then would not go into any details of Incident X and instead talk of your positive feelings and thoughts relative to forgiving.
In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you talk about the psychological defense mechanisms. You say, in one part, that we use the defense mechanisms to hide anger from ourselves. Yet, is it possible that anger itself is a defense mechanism against disappointment or embarrassment?
Yes, you make a good point. Anger, indeed, can be a defense mechanism in the form of displacement. A person displaces an emotion onto another so that the real issue remains hidden. So, the psychological defense of denial can mask anger; displacement of anger can mask disappointment or embarrassment, as you say. Both anger and disappointment may need to be addressed in the same person.
Read more about defense mechanisms in Forgiveness Is a Choice.
How is asking for forgiveness different from apologizing?
To apologize is part of asking for forgiveness but does not constitute the entire process. Asking for forgiveness includes the development of remorse or inner sorrow. Then comes repentance or apology. Finally, there is recompense or trying one’s best to make up for what happened.
I do not want to forgive my girlfriend, but at the same time I do not want to lose her. She has asked for forgiveness. I am now “faking it” with her. I have told her that I forgive her and that all is well, even though it is not. Do you think I truly can “fake” forgiveness?
I find it interesting that in your last sentence you use the words “truly” and “fake.” These are contradictions. I truly think that you cannot fake forgiveness. Your girlfriend will see this in your behavior, which may include some annoyance or even disrespect. You obviously have your eye on the theme of forgiving. Why not give it an actual try?
I have heard a lot of talk about the importance of helping children to forgive. Yet, I now wonder about adolescents. They are more independent or self-reliant. How can we foster forgiveness in them when they may be less likely to sit and listen to you?
Forgiveness, according to Aristotle, develops in part by practice and by the support of others for that practice. I suggest what we might call “teachable moments.” Suppose you are watching a film together and there is conflict among the characters. You could ask this of the adolescent: “What might have happened if Character A forgave Character B rather than seeking revenge?” Another teachable moment is at the dinner table when people may be talking about their experiences that day. If someone has had a conflict at school or at work, then discuss this with an eye toward forgiveness as still a possible option.
