Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I want to ask my brother to forgive someone. What do you recommend as my first step in approaching him?
I first would acknowledge his inner hurt from what happened. As he is aware of this inner hurt, you then could ask him if he would like to reduce that hurt and possibly re-establish a relationship that now might be strained. If he has the hurt and is motivated to reduce hurt and re-establish the relationship (at least as far as he can, knowing that the others have to do their part), then it is very important that you discuss exactly what forgiveness is and what it is not. To forgive is to be good to those who have not been good to us. To forgive is not to excuse unjust behavior, or to develop moral amnesia (so it does not reoccur), to necessarily or automatically reconcile, or to abandon a quest for justice. He needs a clear view of what he will be doing if he decides to forgive.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I am having a hard time persevering in forgiving someone. What do you suggest?
When you say that you are having a hard time persevering, do you mean that you have stopped trying to forgive? If so, I suggest that you reflect for a while on what I call your strong will. A strong will is the motivation and behavior intended to keep you on a path, any path, that you deem as worthwhile. Philosophers often talk about the good will (wanting the best for others), a free will (choosing to do good rather than being forced to do so), but rarely talk of the strong will. This strong will, or the desire and effort to continue toward the goal, needs reflection and it’s development within you. As the strong will develops, you likely will stay on the path of forgiving. Also, please note that it is fine to take breaks from the forgiveness process. We do this with work vacations or taking time out from the fitness workouts in the gym. We can do the same with forgiving, but with the intent to return.
For additional information, see: On the Importance of Perseverance when Forgiving.
Forgiveness is unfair to the forgiver. After all, those who forgive are asked to do the impossible: to feel compassion, to absorb pain that should not be theirs in the first place, to be kind to the unkind. Can’t we just set forgiveness aside?
Because forgiving is a choice, not demanded in any society of which I am aware, you can set forgiveness aside. Yet, when deeply hurt by others, what is your alternative for ridding yourself of a gnawing resentment that could bring you down? In the giving of the compassion, in the bearing of the pain, in the attempt to be kind, the paradox is that you, yourself, may experience a cessation of the poison of that resentment. Does this seem like an outcome you would like to set aside? Forgiveness advances you toward this healthy outcome and may even reestablish a relationship if the other can be trusted and does not harm you.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I still don’t get your point that when we forgive a person then we try to see them in a positive light. Why can’t we just be indifferent toward that person?
We need to think of forgiveness as a process that is imperfect. We often start with negative feelings toward a person who has been deeply unjust to us. This can change to the indifference which you suggest. Eventually, this can transform to a small amount of compassion and even develop into a sense of agape love, or a love that is in service to the other for that person’s own sake. From the perspective of Aristotelian philosophy, there is an essence or a perfect bottom-line to what forgiveness is in its ideal state. That essence, as I explain in my book, The Forgiving Life, is agape love toward the one who was hurtful. Defining the essence of forgiving as agape love does not mean that all who forgive reach this endpoint. Yet, it is important to know the endpoint so we know the ultimate goal toward which we are striving. Knowing this ideal endpoint is important as we practice any virtue, whether it is forgiveness or justice or courage or patience, as examples.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I am able to do relaxation training and this reduces my stress and anger. Is forgiveness, then, unnecessary for me?
Forgiveness is a moral virtue and need not occur only to aid a person in reducing anger. As a moral virtue, you can forgive as an end in and of itself, because it is good. Also, try to be aware of what happens inside you once you are no longer relaxed. Does the anger well up inside you again? If so, then the practice of forgiveness might be a more permanent solution to your anger than relaxation training by itself.
Learn more at Forgiving is not. . .
