Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I am in the process of forgiving, but I am finding no stress-relief. Does this mean that I have not forgiven?
Forgiveness is a process that takes time. I have worked with people who definitely understand the process of forgiveness, practice it daily, and yet they still can have anger for up to a year or more. Does your anger or sadness diminish even a little? Try to be aware of these even small victories. Aristotle said that practice and then more practice is necessary to grow in greater maturity in the moral virtues. I find that this is particularly true of forgiveness because it is in the context of being hurt by others. I recommend that you be gentle with yourself, patient in the process of forgiveness, and never give up on the practice of forgiving. The dividends of stress-relief usually then come. You may not be free of all anger in the coming years, but it likely will diminish to manageable levels for you.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I understand your point that I can forgive a person who has died because forgiveness in this case is an internal transformation from resentment to thoughts that the other has inherent worth, with the accompanying compassion toward the person. Yet, what about a situation in which I want to seek forgiveness and the other is no longer among the living?
The answer depends on your belief system. If you are a secularist or atheist, you can go to the person’s family members if what happened affected more that the now-deceased person. You can describe what you did and ask them for their forgiveness. If you are a monotheistic believer, you can go to God and confess your transgression and ask for forgiveness. You need not keep the feeling of guilt in your own heart, but can experience relief.
For more information, see Faith and Religion.
Is it possible to live with unforgiveness and still be happy? My husband abandoned me three years ago. It was totally unexpected.
There is a difference between deliberately deciding to “live with unforgiveness” and trying to forgive, but finding it difficult. Also, there is a difference between “living with unforgiveness” for small offenses against you and deeply unjust offenses against you. If you decide to deliberately be unforgiving under your particular circumstance of abandonment, then it is my opinion that your happiness will be compromised and this could continue for the rest of your life. Under circumstances such as yours, forgiving your husband for this deep injustice could set you free to feel a happiness you might not have felt for these past three years. Decisions to forgive or not to forgive, in other words, can have a significant impact on your quality of life. Yet, you do not want to force the process of forgiveness. When you feel ready, you might consider trying to forgive.
To learn more, read a study demonstrating that Forgiveness Therapy holds promise as a post relationship, post crisis therapeutic approach for women who have experienced spousal emotional abuse.
How can someone become vulnerable enough to accept the pain caused by another person and to ask for help when needed so that forgiveness becomes possible?
I think the key to this is humility. We have to practice the virtue of humility if we are to admit to ourselves the depth of our pain, to accept that we are hurt, and then to bear that pain. It also takes humility for us to realize that we need help. Asking for help is not dishonorable. We do this when we need medical treatment for a broken bone, for example. Humility, it seems to me, is not emphasized enough in our “get tough” society. Assertiveness has its place, but it is not the only response to moral injury. Humility has a rightful place in accepting one’s suffering, seeking help, and starting the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
I am trying to forgive, but I do not have a family member or a friend to accompany me on this journey. What would you recommend. I am a Jewish believer.
We have self-help books that we characteristically use in our forgiveness research. These include Forgiveness Is a Choice (2001) and 8 Keys to Forgiveness (2015). I walk you through the process of forgiveness in a step-by-step fashion in these books. They have been shown scientifically to be effective in promoting forgiveness. As a Jewish believer, you are not alone in your forgiving. You can rely on God’s grace to assist you in the forgiveness process.
Learn more at Forgiveness books.
