Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I have seen in the definition of forgiveness that to forgive is to offer love to those who have acted badly. Could you please explain further what is meant here by the word love?
First, we have to make a distinction between what forgiveness actually is and how we imperfect people go about forgiving. In its essence, forgiveness is the heroic moral virtue of seeing the inherent worth in the other (not because of what was done, but in spite of this) and then the offer of a caring concern for that other. The caring concern can start as respect and compassion. At its highest level, that concern centers on agape love (the Greek term) which is to try to aid that other person despite one’s own suffering. We imperfect people do not always reach this highest level of forgiving, but it can be a goal toward which we strive.
Learn more at What is Forgiveness?
I am mad at my step-father for his rudeness. I now am angry at my Mom for still being with him. I now am confused: Do I start by forgiving him first or her first? I would appreciate your suggestion.
When you think about what your step-father has done to you, how angry are you on a 1-to-10 scale? When you think about your Mom and what she has done to you, how angry are you on this same 1-to-10 scale? I recommend that you start with the one person who gets the lower score, the one toward whom you are less angry. I suggest this because it can be difficult to forgive when you are fuming at a particular person. Learning to forgive when you are less angry helps show you the path of forgiving and gets you ready for the more challenging one.
Learn more at What is Forgiveness?
You talk a lot about anger-reduction through forgiveness, but I do not think my primary emotion is anger. I am sad. Is the forgiveness process different if I am angry compared to my being sad?
Actually, the process of forgiveness will be the same whether you are angry or sad. You still will: a) commit to do no harm to the one who hurt you; b) try to see the inherent worth of the other; c) bear the pain so you do not pass that pain to the one who hurt you or to other people; and d) try to be kind, as best you can, toward the person. What may change is the outcome for you, with a reduction of sadness rather than anger.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
Healthy anger is a response to injustice that is short-lived. Healthy anger basically is your way of saying, “What you did was unfair. I deserve better than that.” Unhealthy anger differs from this in: a) its intensity [There may be insults or a temper tantrum, for example.]; b) its duration [It can last for months or years.]; c) its effect on the one who is angry [This kind of anger can deplete energy and increase anxiety.]; d) its effect on the one who offended [It can lead to the other feeling inappropriately attacked.]; and e) its effect on others [The one with unhealthy anger can displace the anger onto unsuspecting other people.].
Learn more at What is Forgiveness?
It seems to me that if a person is forgiving only to get rid of anger, then this is not real forgiveness. Is this true?
There is a difference between the original motivation to forgive and what forgiveness itself actually is. Oftentimes, people start the forgiveness process to rid themselves of unhealthy anger. If they still go through the forgiveness process by committing to do no harm, try to understand who the other person is, bear the pain, and offer respect and kindness toward the offending other person, then this is actual forgiveness. The initial motivation to forgive can change so that a new motivation is to aid the one who acted unjustly.
For further information on this, you might want to read my essay (click the link below), at Psychology Today, entitled, 8 Reasons to Forgive.
