Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I am an adult who has forgiven one of my parents, but I cannot forget. I thought that when we forgive, we forget. Is this the case?

I have found that when we forgive deep injustices against us, we do not literally forget what happened. As an analogy, suppose you broke your arm 10 years ago. You likely still can remember that. Yet, when you look back, you do not experience the broken arm in the same way you did when the accident happened. I think it is similar with forgiveness. We recall the incident of deep injustice, but the amount of pain experienced back then is different from the amount of pain experienced now, which usually is lessened with the practice of forgiveness. In other words, we do not literally forget, but instead we remember in new ways.

For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?

I have been hurt by a couple of my friends. I am angry about it. Now I am feeling guilty about being angry. Should I feel guilty about this?

When people are unfair to us, a natural response is to be angry. The anger is a signal to you that others should treat you with respect. Given that such short-term anger is a natural response, please try to see this so that your guilt lessens. On the other hand, there is excessive anger that needs to be tempered in some people. If your anger gets extreme (temper tantrums that affect others) or is very long-lasting (over weeks or months or even years), then it would be good to see and address this. Short-term and tempered anger is to be expected; the extreme form does need work. Forgiving people who have made you angry can reduce that anger which can then lessen guilt because your behavior has changed.

For additional information, see “Anger and Sadness in the Forgiveness Process.”

Is it ever the case that the pain people feel from another’s injustice is so deep that they should just back off and not forgive?

There is a difference between backing off for a while, refreshing, and then trying to forgive again and abandoning forgiveness altogether. Sometimes we need to take that time-out because the effort and pain are too much. If we then abandon forgiveness entirely, my worry is this: What do you then do to reduce that pain? Forgiveness is a scientifically-supported way of reducing that pain and so, if a person so chooses, going ahead once again with the forgiveness process can be healing.

For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.

You emphasize, in the early part of the forgiveness process, trying to understand the offender. Doesn’t this just open us up to excusing the other? After all, if we understand the other, we might develop sympathy for that person and so conclude: “Oh, this person is ok. I will just let it go and move on.”

Understanding the one who offended is very different from excusing the person’s behavior. We can accept a person as having unconditional worth and then hold fast to the truth that the behavior was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong despite my understanding the person as a person. In other words, it is important to separate the person and the unjust actions. We try to welcome the person back into the human community as we forgive; we do not then accept the behavior.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.

I was hurt by a stranger and so I have no clue about his past. How can I do the thinking work of forgiveness toward this person, given that I know nothing about him?

We talk about taking the personal, the global, and the cosmic perspectives when trying to understand and forgive another person. The personal perspective, which you find difficult to take, asks the forgiver to examine the past of the offending person and to see if this person suffered injustices and emotional wounds from others. Because you cannot know these issues, you can move to the global and cosmic perspectives. I will share only the global perspective for you here. If you find it helpful, then you might want to go more deeply and consider the cosmic perspective, depending on your belief system.

In the global perspective, we ask people to see the common humanity between yourself as forgiver and the one who offended you. Here are some questions centered on the global perspective: Do you share a common humanity with the one who hurt you? Do you both have unique DNA in that, when both of you die, there never will be another human being exactly like you on this planet? Does this make you special, unique, and irreplaceable? Does this make the one who hurt you special, unique, and irreplaceable? Will that person die some day? Will you die some day? You share that as part of your common humanity. Do you need sufficient rest and nutrition to stay healthy? Does the one who hurt you need the same? Do you see your common humanity? In all likelihood, even though you cannot know for sure, that person has been treated unfairly in the past by others. You very well may share the fact that both of you carry wounds in your heart.

For more information, see Forgiveness Defined.