Ask Dr. Forgiveness
My father died of cancer and I cannot help but think that this is unfair. God is all powerful and could have prevented this. Can I forgive God for not allowing my dad to live?
I am presuming that the question-asker is a monotheistic believer. In other words, the question is coming from one of the Abrahamic traditions of Judaism, Christianity, or Islam. The late Lewis Smedes in his popular book, Forgive and Forget, said that God is big enough to take your forgiveness and so if you are angry, then go ahead and forgive. While I am a great admirer of Dr. Smedes, I disagree with him on this one point. A holy and perfect God is a just God, incapable of injustice (not in God???s nature, in other words). If this is so, then our forgiving is actually a distortion because it looks as if God did something wrong. We should avoid this idea if we are to retain the historical and theological wisdom of God???s perfection. Rather than forgiving, we should strive for accepting—accepting what has happened, accepting God???s will. Acceptance does not necessarily imply an injustice, as a person accepts the fact, for example, that a hurricane has destroyed his home. A hurricane cannot act unjustly for the obvious reason that it has no sense of right and wrong and so cannot commit wrong. God and hurricanes are not similar and my examples are not meant to imply otherwise. I bring up both cases to show that acceptance need not imply an injustice which is being accepted. Accept what happens rather than forgive God for what happens and you will be on firmer theological ground.
When someone treats me unkindly, I just strive for justice by forthrightly asking for fairness. I try to get the person to change. This is sufficient, without even bringing in forgiveness, isn’t it?
Why not do both? Why not forgive first, which probably will lower your anger, and then ask for fairness? The asking may turn out to be more civil if you ask when not angry. In other words, think in “both-and” ways rather than “either-or” ways.
My anger is what motivates me to solve problems and to uphold justice. Forgiveness is the opiate of the people, reducing anger and thus reducing our motivation to seek and to find fair solutions. Can you convince me otherwise?
This is a good challenge and so I thank you for the question. There are different kinds of anger. One kind,which I call healthy anger, is expressed within reasonable, appropriate limits and can energize us to seek fair solutions. You are talking about healthy anger.
We also have the kind of anger that sits inside of us and chips away at our energy, our well-being, our very happiness. This kind of anger we could call resentment or unhealthy anger. Forgiveness targets this kind of anger and helps to reduce it so it does not destroy the forgiver. As a person forgives, he or she sees more clearly, not less clearly, that what happened was unfair. Thus, someone who forgives is not likely to fall into an unnatural state of lethargy regarding the injustice.
So, keep your healthy anger and fight for justice. Forgiveness is not a foe of justice, keeping it at a distance. Instead, justice and forgiveness can work side by side for a better world. If you think about it, don’t you think that you will be better able to fight for justice if your energy is not brought low by unhealthy anger? Forgiveness can be of considerable help here in aiding the person to control the kind of anger that can thwart the quest for justice.
It seems to me to be betrayal of a loved one if we forgive those who gravely hurt that loved one. My husband was unjustly fired from his job. I want to stand with him, stick up for him. To forgive the boss is to betray my husband. So, forgiveness to me is to disrespect my husband under this circumstance.
We need to keep in mind that to forgive is not to say, “What the company did to my husband is ok; it is fair.” Instead, when you forgive, you are aware that what happened to your husband was unfair and it will always be unfair. Forgiveness does not invalidate this truth. As you forgive, you offer a cessation of resentment (which can take time) and try as best you can to see those who hurt your husband as persons—possessing worth in spite of what they did. Forgiveness can help you reduce anger so that you have more energy to be with and help your husband as you both work through this.
If someone hurt you but then says that they did nothing at all wrong, can you forgive? How can you forgive someone who looks you in the eye and denies any wrongdoing?
The question is important because of the confusion that might be engendered in the forgiver when the offending person claims innocence. A central issue here is this: The forgiver is the one exercising the virtue of forgiveness, which includes careful scrutiny regarding the other person’s right or wrong actions. It is part of the forgiveness process to determine this. Once the forgiver has determined wrongdoing on the other’s part, of course, this conclusion is open to revision based on new evidence. So, please try to think of the offending person’s challenge as an opportunity to further scrutinize his or her act to ascertain wrongdoing. The person could be correct, in which case there is nothing to forgive. If, however, you as forgiver once again examine the behavior and conclude that it is an injustice, then you should go ahead with forgiveness regardless of what the other person (or anyone else) says. Do not let a contrary opinion or consensus keep you from the truth of what is right and wrong. Do not let the opinion or consensus keep you from forgiving if you continue to conclude that there was injustice.
