Ask Dr. Forgiveness
What are some dangers in reconciling with another who was not trustworthy in the past?
Here are three cautions for you:
- If you reconcile too quickly without the other showing any remorse, repentance, or recompense, then this could be a false reconciliation in which you may be hurt again in the same way.
- Please do not think of forgiving and reconciling as the same. You can forgive from the heart, but then not reconcile if the other continues to be a danger to you. If you equate the two, then as you forgive, you may feel a false obligation to reconcile.
- If you are still angry and not forgiving, then, without realizing it, you might use reconciliation as a weapon, in which you come together in a superficial way and then you keep reminding the other of how bad he/she has been and how good you have been. This is why you need forgiveness to occur before a deep reconciliation occurs.
How do I know—-really know—-that I am ready to reconcile with someone?
Reconciliation is different from forgiveness. When we reconcile, this is a process of two or more people coming together again in mutual trust. Reconciliation is conditional on the other person’s willingness to change, if he or she was the one who acted unfairly. Forgiveness, in contrast, can be offered unconditionally to the other as a form of respect, understanding, compassion, and even love, even if there is no reconciliation. So, you can forgive without reconciling.
With all of this as background, here are four questions which might help you decide if you are ready to reconcile (and I am presuming that the other is the one who has hurt you):
1) Has the other shown an inner sorrow about what he or she did? We call this remorse;
2) Has the person verbally expressed this sorrow to you. We call this repentance;
3) Has the person made amends for what happened (and we have to ask if he or she has done so within reason because sometimes we cannot make full amends. For example, if someone stole $1,000 from you but truly cannot repay it all, then you cannot expect that he or she can make amends in any perfect way). We call this recompense;
4) If the person has shown what I call the “three R’s” of remorse, repentance, and recompense, then do you have even a little trust in your heart toward the person? If so, then perhaps you can begin a slow reconciliation, taking small steps in rebuilding the relationship. Your answer to these four questions may help you with your question: How do I know that I now am ready to reconcile?
How do you know when you are lost on the journey of forgiveness? In other words, I have been trying to forgive my ex-husband now for over a year and I am not getting anywhere. Should I just give up trying?
Before you give up, I have some questions for you:
1) Have you committed to doing no harm to your ex-husband, even in the context of your having the opportunity to somehow hurt him? If you answered, “Yes, I have committed to doing no harm,” then you are not lost on the forgiveness journey. This is a big step in the process;
2) Have you tried to see his weaknesses, his confusions, his wounds that may have wounded you? If not, perhaps you need to do some of this cognitive work, to see him in a wider perspective than only his injuries toward you;
3) Do you think that your will is strong enough to do the work outlined in #1 and 2 above? If so, that work could lead to your forgiving if you give this time.
So, what do you think? Have you found your way back onto the path of forgiveness? Are you still lost? Let me know and I will do all that I can to help you back onto the forgiveness path.
I have noticed that my brother never seems to confront those who are really unfair to him. Instead, he might punch a wall or whatever instead of going to the person who was wrong. Do you think this actually relieves his anger or does it even help at all?
Your brother seems to be using the psychological defense of displacement, which means to take out the anger on something or someone else rather than on the original person who acted unfairly. In the short-run your brother might experience some relief from this catharsis, but in the long-run, as I am sure you know, his hitting a wall will not solve the injustice. If your brother can do some forgiving and exercise this along with courage and a quest for justice, then he might be able to go to those at whom he is anger and talk it out in the hope of a fair resolution.
I often set my expectation on low for most people so that I am not hurt by them. Is this happening because I are realistic or am I showing discouragement and depression by doing this?
Without our having met to discuss this in-depth, it is difficult to give a good answer. Let me try by asking you some questions:
1) Why are your expectations low? Do you see people as generally hurtful and out only for themselves?
2) If your answer is “yes” to the first question, have you been deeply hurt by others and now have mistrust?
3) Are you feeling discouraged or depressed, possibly because of what might have happened to you in the past?
Your answers to these questions might give you some insights for answering your question. Sometimes, when people are deeply hurt by others, they develop what I call a negative world view (no one can be trusted; everyone is out for themselves). Forgiving those who have been hurtful can alter that world view toward a more positive one, that all people have inherent worth.
