Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I do not want to forgive my girlfriend, but at the same time I do not want to lose her.  She has asked for forgiveness.  I am now “faking it” with her. I have told her that I forgive her and that all is well, even though it is not.  Do you think I truly can “fake” forgiveness?

I find it interesting that in your last sentence you use the words “truly” and “fake.”  These are contradictions.  I truly think that you cannot fake forgiveness.  Your girlfriend will see this in your behavior, which may include some annoyance or even disrespect.  You obviously have your eye on the theme of forgiving.  Why not give it an actual try?

I have heard a lot of talk about the importance of helping children to forgive.  Yet, I now wonder about adolescents.  They are more independent or self-reliant.  How can we foster forgiveness in them when they may be less likely to sit and listen to you?

Forgiveness, according to Aristotle, develops in part by practice and by the support of others for that practice.  I suggest what we might call “teachable moments.”  Suppose you are watching a film together and there is conflict among the characters.  You could ask this of the adolescent: “What might have happened if Character A forgave Character B rather than seeking revenge?”  Another teachable moment is at the dinner table when people may be talking about their experiences that day.  If someone has had a conflict at school or at work, then discuss this with an eye toward forgiveness as still a possible option.

What can you do to convince another person to forgive you?

First, please keep in mind that you should not insist on their forgiving you because forgiving is that person’s choice.

Second, give the person time.  That person may be angry and needs some time to process the anger.

Third, humbly and gently ask for forgiveness, knowing that the person may not be ready yet.  Express regret as you ask for forgiveness.  Try to make up for what you did, at least within reason.

What are some of the most common triggers that you see after a person forgives?  What I mean is this: What do you see as common among people that re-engages their anger after forgiving?

The two most common triggers are seeing the person again if they are not in an ongoing relationship and dreams about the event and the person.  These two commonly reignite anger.  Another, if you are in a relationship with the person, is when the person reproduces the kinds of behavior that were hurtful in the first place.  For example, suppose Person A calls you a disrespectful name.  If Person A uses it again, it can trigger new anger in need of forgiving again.

In my experience I find that when Person A is hurt by Person B, then Person A tends to angrily withdraw love from others, such as Persons C, D, and E, who were not involved in the hurtful event. Do you see this happening? If so, then why does this happen?

Yes, I do see this happen.  It is not an inevitable occurrence in most people, but it does happen with some. I think this occurs because of the psychological defense of displacement, which is transferring one’s angry feelings and behaviors, meant for a particular person, onto others as a way of trying to manage the anger.  In other words, suppose Person A was hurt by his boss, Person B.  It is too threatening for Person A to express that anger toward the boss.  Yet, Person A still tries to release the pent-up anger and so it comes pouring out on others who will not threaten Person A once the anger is expressed.

An example of this is Person A displacing that anger onto his own children, who take that anger and learn to become angry.  The children, then, once they grow into adulthood might end up displacing their anger onto their partner or their own children.  This is one reason why forgiving is so important.  It stops the unfair transmission of anger through the generations.