Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Please tell me which theory is used for forgiveness?

The first chapter of my book, The Forgiving Life, describes our theory, which is based on Aristotelian philosophy with the end point of human existence being agape or service-to-others love.

Lewis Smedes in his 1984 book, Forgive and Forget, instructed us to “see with new eyes” the one who has offended.  I talked with my friends about this idea (of seeing with new eyes) and they thought it was just a game people play on themselves.  They say that seeing the offender with new eyes is a way to just let him or her off the hook.  Can you offer advice so that I can convince my friends that Smedes’ advice is not just a bad trick we play on ourselves?

You can see the offending person “with new eyes” and still say that what happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong.  In other words, you do not reframe the actual situation, but instead reframe who the offending person is.  That person is more than the wrong behavior.  If your friends see that the behavior continues to be seen as wrong, then perhaps they will see that “seeing with new eyes” is not a trick centered on the behavior itself.

Please give me some advice on how I can keep the love and compassion in my heart for peers who keep repeating offenses over and over, with some of the behaviors getting worse over time.

This is one of the more difficult aspects of forgiveness.  Some people ask me if it is acceptable to just forget about forgiveness altogether under these circumstances.  I think it is all the more imperative to keep on persevering in forgiving both for the relationship (if you think it is a good idea to keep it) and for your own well-being.  With that said, I recommend that you keep working on the knowledge that the peers possess inherent (built-in) worth regardless of their behavior.  This kind of thought is not meant to excuse the behavior but instead to understand the truth that all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable.  Struggling to keep this idea in front of you is a first step in keeping the love and compassion in your heart.

What if someone has hurt you, but you have never met the person?  For instance, I feel hurt by some politicians because of their decisions with which I disagree.  How can you wish people well under this circumstance of never having met them and probably never will meet them?

To wish someone well does not necessarily mean using language directly toward that person.  You can wish people well by hoping that they are not hit by a bus.  You can wish people well by thoughts that you hope they make good political decisions or grow as a persons or find happiness in this life.

My friend recently ended a very challenging marriage with her husband.  The struggles lasted for years.  She now tells me that, after the divorce, she has forgiven.  She says it was easy for her to do.  I am wondering: Do you think she really did forgive easily or maybe was she working on forgiveness, over and over, without necessarily realizing it?

I think there are three possible explanations here:

1. Your friend has not yet forgiven and her proclamation of forgiveness is a psychological defense mechanism, possibly a reaction formation (responding in a way opposite of what one is truly feeling as a protection against anxiety). If this is true, then her anger likely will surface once she is in a psychologically safe place to feel that anger.
2. She really has forgiven easily. This could be the case if your friend is someone who is well-practiced at the virtue of forgiveness.  Do you know her well enough to know if she practices forgiveness toward others, in essence leading a life of forgiveness?  If so, then getting to the end of forgiveness in this case could be easy for her because of all the accumulated practice in forgiving.
3. As you say, she could have been doing some subtle work on forgiving as the marriage struggles were present and continuing. If this is the case, she probably will be able to recall instances in which she tried to see the inherent worth of her husband as the conflicts were occurring.  This would be an indication of her doing the forgiveness work, perhaps over a long period of time, so that there was not a sudden and easy emergence of forgiving.