Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I thought I had completely forgiven my “ex” and last night I had a dream that reawakened all of my anger. I had forgiven, maybe, a year ago. Now here I am again fuming. Do you have a suggestion for me to really get over this and forgive permanently?
We have to realize that forgiveness, as the late Lewis Smedes said, is an imperfect enterprise for imperfect people. It is common to have forgiven and then to be triggered by something unexpected, whether it is a dream or meeting the person for the first time, as examples. Because you already know the path of forgiveness, I recommend that you get your backpack on again, and your hiking shoes, and travel the forgiveness road once again. This time it may be quicker with deeper results. And please do not be discouraged if and when you have another trigger for your anger in the months or years ahead. Go on the forgiveness journey once again.
It seems that forgiveness is very different for Jewish and Christian people. For example, Jewish people tend to want an apology before they forgive. Christian people tend to talk about unconditional forgiveness. Are these two approaches very different?
If one person requires an apology before forgiving and another person practices unconditional forgiving, this does not necessarily imply a large difference in their understanding of forgiveness. For Jewish and Christian people, forgiveness is an act of mercy toward a person or people who have acted unjustly toward the forgiver. In both monotheistic traditions, people see that all persons are made in the image and likeness of God. This insight makes forgiveness appropriate because even those who behave badly are made in that image.
Please keep in mind that some in the Jewish tradition practice unconditional forgiveness, as Joseph did when forgiving his brothers in the book of Genesis. Some Christians require an apology before they forgive. In terms of the essence of what forgiveness is, however, people from both traditions tend to share the understanding that to forgive is to practice love and mercy toward the wrongdoer.
Is it best to let the one I am forgiving know that I have done this? I have a friend who gets annoyed with me and says I am too sensitive whenever I let him know that I forgave him for something he did that I think is wrong.
This is a situation that is not as unusual as you might think. My advice is to assess the situation before you proclaim your forgiveness to him or her. You can forgive from the heart and then show this by your actions. You can even strive for a reconciliation without your verbally expressing forgiveness. Of course, reconciliation is best accomplished when the other acknowledges the wrong, you forgive and express this, and the other receives this and changes. Yet, the world is not always so neat and tidy as this. A key issue is this: Your forgiveness is not diminished if you do not verbally proclaim it and if the other does not accept it. You can go in peace knowing you have done the best that you can when you forgive from the heart.
How important is the forgiver’s motivation for considering forgiveness?
To forgive, at least in part, is an act of the will. We need to be motivated to exercise that will. Thus, the motivation to forgive is very important. Without that, the person may quit the forgiveness process when it requires hard work and focus.
Some people say they have no one particular to forgive in their lives, and so forgiveness is not relevant for them. What would you say to them?
I would say that they are very fortunate, indeed, not to have a serious injustice from another. I further would say that this kind of life will not last forever because of the nature of this world. So, please begin to learn about forgiveness now so that when the storms of life come, you will be ready.
