Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I am having a hard time discerning the person’s intentions toward me when I was hurt. Can you give me some clues for knowing the other’s intentions?
It is more difficult to ascertain intentions or motives than behavior because these often are internal responses hidden from view. Yet, at times, you can get a sense of intentions by the language the other uses. For example, has the person told you that you deserved the behavior or you somehow had it coming because of your behavior? If so, this is a rather clear indication of an intent to behave in certain ways toward you. On the other hand, did the person express regret or show remorse because you were hurt? If the person shows surprise toward your struggle to understand and forgive, then the intention to hurt you probably was not there.
I offended someone I love. I have asked for forgiveness. How can I be sure that the other truly is forgiving me rather than just stringing me along, still angry and subtly seeking some form of revenge?
A key in seeing whether or not the other is accepting your apology is this: Is the person not only using words (such as “I forgive you”) but also showing you that you are a valuable person? Subtle put-downs without this sense of value will show you that the person is not yet forgiving. This does not mean that forgiving will never happen. Sometimes people go up and down in their forgiving and so the one who is seeking forgiveness needs patience to let the other do the work of forgiving that can take time.
I understand that part of forgiving is to reduce anger. Yet, I am concerned about this. If I deliberately reduce my anger toward the person who hurt me, am I at the same time reducing my motivation to seek justice?
It is important to realize that the moral virtues should not be practiced in isolation from the other moral virtues. Forgiveness and justice should occur side-by-side for you. As you forgive, try to deliberately cultivate a sense of justice or the seeking of what is fair. In this way, your forgiving and becoming less angry should not diminish your quest for justice. In fact, without deep anger, what you seek in justice may be qualitatively different (and actually more fair) than what you seek when fuming with anger.
This may be an unusual question for you. About 20 years ago, I was deeply hurt by someone. Slowly over the years, I did not think about it, but just this week I suddenly remembered this painful incident from decades ago. As I thought about it, I realize that I have no anger toward the person. Would you label this as forgiveness on my part?
It is difficult to say whether you have forgiven or simply moved on from the incident and the person. As the late Lewis Smedes used to ask, “Do you now wish this person well?” If you do, then you likely are in the process of forgiving or perhaps have forgiven. On the other hand, if you simply have no negative emotions, but are indifferent toward the person, with no concern or compassion at all toward this person, then this may be an indication of putting the past behind you without necessarily forgiving. Do you wish the person well?
I have forgiven my partner, but I find that I am constantly being careful around him. Am I not forgiving? Should I practice re-forgiving him or is there some other process going on?
Your question focuses on the classic distinction between forgiving and reconciling. When you forgive, you are practicing a moral virtue in which you try to reduce resentment and show goodness of some kind to your partner. You try to do these unconditionally while, at the same time, striving for fairness (exercising the moral virtue of justice alongside forgiveness). In contrast, when you reconcile, you are not exercising a moral virtue, but instead are engaging in a negotiation strategy of working your way back to mutual trust. When you say you are “being careful,” you are showing that your trust is not yet strong. Do not expect the trust to be re-established immediately. Try to see instances of when your partner now is being trustworthy. Let these instances grow in you until you see that your partner has changed and can be trusted. Of course, given that we are all imperfect, no one will behave in such a way as to earn perfect trust in all areas of life. Use your wisdom here: Is he sorry for the past hurt? Is he trying to change? Is he making progress? Your forgiving may help you to be patient as he changes.
