Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Every time I try to make a decision to forgive, I find myself getting very angry all over again with the person who hurt me. What advice can you give me for committing to forgiveness so that I can start this process?
A key to entering into what we call the Decision Phase of forgiveness is to commit to doing no harm to the person who hurt you. In other words, try to commit to not insulting this person or not speaking badly about this person to others. Note that I am not suggesting a **positive** response such as cultivating, for now, empathy or compassion or even love. Instead, I am advocating your refraining from the negative. This commitment may help you to decide: Yes, I now want to move more deeply into a decision to forgive this person.
You talk of “giving a gift” to the one who hurts us. Yet, in some cultures, it is considered rude or disrespectful to hand out gifts. It is seen as a sign of superiority. So, might it be best to refrain from “giving a gift” in such cultures?
In such cultures, as you say, it is best to give the gift in ways that respect the norms of the culture. One need not give a gift within a box all wrapped up in gift-wrap and a bow. One can be more subtle about it: a smile, paying respectful attention to the other, not speaking badly to other people about the one who hurt you. A gift is a generous and often unexpected kindness which can be done tastefully by knowing the norms of a given culture.
On page 2 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you say that forgetting can be unhealthy. It seems to me that forgetting can be a good thing as I move on from the hurtful, unfair situation. Would you please clarify.
There are at least two different meanings to the term “to forget.” The first one, which I see as unhealthy, is to suppress the knowledge that the other is a danger to you. It is important to remember that some people are not “on our side.” The second meaning of the term “to forgive” is to move on, as you say. So, you can move on from a situation while you see the humanity in the other (as you choose to forgive). As you see the humanity in the other, it is important to acknowledge the other’s weaknesses if he or she still has a pattern of behavior that is hurtful to you.
Have you found that it is harder for men or women to forgive?
I have found that men, on the average (but not as a stereotype of all), are more hesitant to talk about forgiveness or even to attend a talk on it. Yet, when men and women decide to pursue the path of forgiveness, both can do so successfully.
I do not have a lot of built-up anger toward someone who hurt me. Perhaps I am suppressing that anger, but I do not think so. My question: Do I even need to forgive this person if I am not angry?
Forgiveness is a moral virtue and so if you have been wronged, it is good to forgive if you are ready to do so. From a psychological perspective, it is more imperative to consider forgiving if you are experiencing unhealthy anger (sleep disturbances, irritability in general, general unhappiness). Forgiveness, in other words, can reduce these symptoms that can compromise your health.
