Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I work in Taiwan and was wondering if you have done any work there and what cross-cultural difference you might see with the United States.
Yes, we have done research on forgiveness in Taiwan. Perhaps the most important difference is this: People in Taiwan seem to need an apology from the offending person before forgiving occurs. It is a matter of honor or saving face, I think. Also, we found that when people in Taiwan forgive, they tend, more than in the United States, to say that what happened is not a problem now. This does not mean that they are excusing or condoning. Instead, I think they are putting the incident behind them.
What is one important insight you can give me if I want to ask for forgiveness from someone I have hurt?
I would realize that he/she has a wounded heart and may need time to forgive. In other words, when you approach the person do not expect an immediate, “Yes, I forgive you.” So, you will need to be ready to wait.
What can one do in a school setting if parents are opposed to teachers teaching their children about forgiveness?
In our experience, we have not to date encountered this situation and we have worked with many teachers across the world. If it were to happen, I suggest that you explore, if the parents are willing, their assumptions about forgiveness education. Do the parents think that you are teaching the child a particular religion? Another issue you might consider is this: Are the parents angry about something or someone in their own life and so are opposed to they, themselves, forgiving? You do not want to become the parents’ therapist, of course, but being aware of their possible anger will at least be an insight for you. At some point, you could consider saying, “Sometimes people have been deeply hurt by others and so they do not want to forgive. They consider it too painful and they are not ready.” It then is up to the parents to take this and work with the insight or not.
You have a specific process for adults to follow if they want to forgive. Do you have a similar process for children?
Children usually do not have the cognitive maturity to deal with 20 units of a rather complex process. I recommend starting smaller with children by introducing them to the concept of inherent worth: We all have built-in, unearned value. As a child begins to see this in loved ones, you can start to generalize this by asking: Do you think that people who are unfair to you and hurt you have built-in worth? Why or why not?
Suppose a child was never introduced to forgiveness and now as an adult wants to forgive. What would you suggest for him/her to do?
First, the person should start small. By this I mean, do not start with a person who has been thunderously unfair. Instead, begin with a different person who might be annoying but not gravely unfair. The book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness, or the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, would be a good guide for beginning the forgiveness process.
