Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I was deeply hurt by one of my parents when I was a child. When I think of forgiving, I do not like the idea because it will take me from my victim status. I know it may sound odd to want to keep the identity of victim, but it is all I know. And I am not ready to let my parent “off the hook” just yet for what was done to me. Can you help me gain some perspective on this?

Change is difficult for many people and so you are not alone in that. Your current status of victim seems to give you a sense of security, even if it is mixed with pain. Please think about this contrast: Would you rather keep the security, with its pain, or experience temporary insecurity so that the pain can reduce substantially? Do you think that an identity of survivor or even thriver might be healthier for you in the long-run?  If so, are you willing to risk short-term insecurity to achieve this new and possibly healthier identity?

When a family member expresses as a couple they no longer wish to be part of the family and has no desire to discuss anything-is it our response to honor that request and only communicate if they do first? We pray and wait. Thank you.

That request is not necessarily their final word. They are saying this out of a sense of hurt. They are not feeling loved. You can and should approach them in love, knowing that they are hurt. Approach them from that position—-they are wounded in some way. I would not criticize them for that. The situation is what it is from their perspective and so your acknowledging their hurt may get their attention. You and others also may be hurt, but if you put your own woundedness on the table along with theirs, you likely will get nowhere. So, humility and courage are required if you approach them. If you can make progress, then in time your own hurt can be put on the table for (gentle) discussion.

I cannot forgive Hitler. To do so would be folly given his evil acts. So, in some cases is forgiving an act of folly?

Forgiveness is a moral virtue. All moral virtues (such as justice, patience, kindness, and love-in-service-to-others) are good. Therefore, forgiveness is good. Goodness is not folly. Because forgiveness is part of goodness, it follows that forgiveness cannot be folly.

That said, you may not be ready right now to forgive certain people for certain unjust actions. This does not make you a bad person. Forgiveness does not have the same quality as justice. Certain forms of justice are so important that they are encoded into laws of the state: Do not murder, for example. Forgiveness is not codified into law because it is the person’s choice whether or not to forgive a given person for a given unjust action. So, if you do not want to forgive Hitler for the pain he has caused to you (and he can cause pain to those who were born long after World War II), then you need not do so, and remain a good person.

Does the one who is forgiven owe anything to the one who was hurt and who forgave?

If the one who is forgiven knows that he or she has done wrong, then yes, the one who offended can try to make amends.  An apology and an attempt to make right that which went wrong can open the door to reconciliation.

Hello, and thank you for this wonderful site! I’m writing an article about forgiveness, focusing on people who do the unimaginable: They forgive someone who murdered their child or loved one. In many months of interviewing these remarkable people, I’ve found that most of them are able to forgive because of an abiding religious faith. In many cases they are devout Christians, and they find enormous solace and healing through prayer, Scripture, and devotion. As one woman told me: “I never could have forgiven the killer without God.” Which leads me to wonder …. Is there a way to reach this place of forgiveness if you’re an atheist or an agnostic? I know the answer has to be yes! But am I right in thinking that the majority of forgiveness work does have a spiritual component? Thank you so much for your guidance. I’m very grateful for any perspective you might give.

You are right in that the majority of case studies, reported in the media, of people forgiving offenders for extreme cases of injustice seem to possess a deep faith.  If you look at the News items on this website, you will see many such cases.  Not all are Christian as seen, for example, in Eva Moses Kor’s forgiveness of Nazis who imprisoned her and her twin sister at Auschwitz. Mrs. Kor is Jewish.

Aristotle taught over 2,000 years ago that there are developmental movements in forgiveness from superficial to deep and profound.  Most people can forgive others for small issues and we have worked with people from various belief systems (and no belief at all) to forgive significant injustices.  Yet, the extreme injustices, again as reported in the media, do point to the theme of transcendence.  By “transcendence” I mean going beyond the material, the concrete, what can be sensed in this world, to something more—something bigger.  I think this theme of transcendence is important and worth taking seriously with regard to your question.  Those who see that there is more to the body, more to this life seem to have the capacity to transcend resentment in a way that, as you suggest, is surprising.

I am not implying that atheists or agnostics cannot or will not transcend in their forgiving.  I am saying that it may—it may—be harder for them to do so because materialistic philosophies do not assume that there is more beyond the physical bases of existence.