Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I clearly understand that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same in major ways. However, if you forgive someone to the point that you really want to actively engage with the person, then, what would be the appropriate way or a wise way to seek reconciliation. Of course, the other person needs to acknowledge his wrongdoing and desire to change because reconciliation is a behavioral coming of both parties, but do you just patiently wait (in love) or do you actively initiate reconciliation? What would be the ways of reconciliation in the process of forgiveness?

I would recommend approaching the other person after first forgiving him or her so that you do not initiate the interaction with resentment in the heart.  Then I would carefully—carefully—explain that you are hurt.  In other words, you do not accuse, but explain how the person’s behavior has affected you inside. Psychologists call these “I-messages.”  An “I-message” is seen as less confrontational than a “You-message” in which you point out that person’s weaknesses.

Then I would try to see where the person is with regard to the seeking forgiveness process.  If the person denies all wrongdoing, then he or she is at the very beginning of that process.  If he or she acknowledges wrongdoing, this is a big step.

Then you can see the extent to which the person is willing to practice the “three Rs” of remorse (inner sorrow for having hurt you), repentance (wanting to change), and where appropriate recompense (making up to you for the damage done). Once you forgive and he or she practices the “three Rs,” then a true reconciliation is likely to occur.

Are there different levels of anger? If there are, then will there be different strategies for forgiveness to be used with these different levels of anger?

In my book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, I make a distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger.  The healthy variety energizes a person to take action and to seek justice.  Unhealthy anger is the kind that turns into resentment and abides deep within a person for long periods.  Even within the category of unhealthy anger, there are resentments that are more intense than others.

As a general observation, I have seen that the deeper the anger and the more unhealthy it is, the longer forgiveness can take.  This does not mean that people with profound unhealthy anger cannot be emotionally healed.  On the contrary, we have worked with people who have moderate to severe depression and this has ceased at the end of treatment and has stayed away at follow-up testing.  In the case of the incest survivor study the depression had stayed away at a 14-month follow-up.

So, the short answer is that forgiveness therapy can take longer when deeper anger is present and so the person needs patience and perseverance to overcome that anger.  The process of forgiveness itself is not altered when there is profound anger.  The time required is the key.

I am in a close relationship with someone I hurt. I have asked for forgiveness but I keep getting ignored. Does it ever get to a point that I can demand forgiveness when I know that the other person is just being stubborn?

I sympathize with your frustration.  You are ready to be forgiven and the other is not ready to give it to you.  You should realize that forgiveness is not something that you can demand from someone.  That person is not obligated in an ethical sense to give forgiveness until he or she is ready.  Some religions ask a person to forgive under certain circumstances (such as happens in some of the rituals at Yom Kippur in the Jewish faith, for example).  If the one from whom you are seeking forgiveness is under no religious obligation to forgive, I suggest three things: patience, patience, and patience.  A little encouragement from you for him or her to forgive probably would be a good idea, but done sparingly and gently.

My boyfriend and I have had a rocky time of it lately. I asked his forgiveness and all I got back was a lot of anger. How do I handle his anger and how can I get him to understand that I want his forgiveness?

My father is always working. He sees nothing wrong with this, but I am resentful because he is putting all of his energy into work and little into our family. When I told him that I forgive him for his absence, he said that I am wrong, that there is nothing he has to apologize for. Is there anything you would suggest I do to move him toward seeking forgiveness and changing his behavior?

You might want to first ask him how his own father behaved in this regard—the balance of family and work.  If his own father overworked, which I suspect was the case because your own father sees it as normal, then please ask your father how he felt as a child when this happened. The similarities between his own feelings as the child and your feelings as your father’s child might become apparent to him.  He then might be ready to seek forgiveness.  Even if his own father balanced well family and work, first forgive your father and then have a heart-to-heart talk with him (after you forgive him) about what you see as unfairness here. I would use the word “unfair,” not in an accusatory sense, but in a sense that this is the truth and you would like him to see this truth.