Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I am actually afraid to find my meaning in suffering because I do not want to look suffering in the eye. What do you suggest in a case like this?
Many people are afraid to examine their own degree of suffering or even their degree of anger because they see no solution once they “look suffering in the eye” (or anger in the eye). Please remember that forgiveness is a strong solution to suffering and anger and so it is all right for you to stand in the truth and see your suffering and see your level of anger. Forgiveness is your safety net. As you see that suffering, bolstered by the confidence that forgiveness gives to you, then try to discern what meaning this suffering has for you. The result is likely to be a significant reduction in that suffering.
My friend stole some money from me while I was sleeping and when I confronted her, she denied it. But it is obvious that she took it because I had a $20 in my purse and then it was gone. How can I talk with her so that we can have a possibility of reconciling?
If you are sure that she took the money, then your first forgiving her will make dialogue easier because you will not be talking while deeply resentful. After your anger has reduced because of forgiveness, I would then initiate the dialogue and look for what I call “the 3 R’s” of remorse (inner sorrow), repentance (verbally expressing regret), and recompense (repaying the money) on her part. If she demonstrates the 3 R’s in a sincere way, this will be a first step to restoring your trust. Trust is an important step to complete reconciliation.
Do you think it is harder to forgive a person for one really bad offense or to forgive someone who constantly is doing small things to demean and does so almost every day?
The answer will vary by person and by how gravely serious the one offense is. Many people tell me that they struggle with forgiving those who hurt them on a regular basis. There are two reasons for this: 1) the 20th offense is harder than the first because there is a cumulative effect. The resentments get stronger as the problems persist; and 2) the person sometimes feels trapped, as if the problem will never end. This is why it is so important not only to forgive but also to seek fairness from the other. Living in harmony can occur when the one with a consistent pattern of unfairness comes to see this as unfair and is willing to change. Forgiving and correcting work well together as a team.
I feel a lot of disgust with the people who have harmed me. How does this relation to contempt and unforgiveness
Contempt is a common reaction we have toward those who have hurt us deeply. Please remember that living with contempt hurts you more than it hurts the person who is the target of that contempt. As you start a forgiveness process, please be gentle with yourself. The process takes time. In essence, you will work on seeing the humanity in the one who hurt you—-and in yourself. Sometimes when we live with contempt we end up not liking ourselves. You deserve to love yourself, given the pain that you have had to endure. So, as you forgive another person and see his or her inherent (built-in) worth, you will find that you will begin to see that you, too, have such inherent worth. I urge you to start on the forgiveness journey when you are ready.
Hello, I am a ‘grown up’– I am married and my kids are grown, but I still struggle DAILY with anger and pain I feel toward a family member. This person, I acutally believe may be mentally ill (bipoalar) but no one else in the family will pursure this. There were many wonderful privildeges I had i my childhood, but I was afraid a lot, and this is STILL with me. Just the other night my husband slammed a cabinet in the kitchen -accidentally- and my insides went into alert mode. This person abused mostly their spouse -hitting and verbal abuse, this person also had affairs and also sexually abused their spose. I was hit, but I was aware of the things happening to this other person -the spouse. I remember the worst was waking up one night to bieng beaten. Everyday you don’t know what mood he will be in. I am sorry to post a specific like that, my question is that this person is still in my life and even though I do not feel threatened physically, I am sitll afraid and angry. I want to forgive, but my question is wondering if forgiving the past and forgiving th present different? I am not afraid of bieng hit, but I am sickened bieng aorund this person and repulsed by them. SICKENED and REPULSED! This dominates my life. Doominates. Any ideas for me I would like to hear it. I have thought about breaking ties with my family, but that feels wrong a spiteful. Sorry this is long!!!!
From your description, it sounds to me that this person’s physical abuse has ended. If not, that is the first line of defense, to protect yourself and others by getting help from the appropriate social service agency in your area. If the abuse is over, then I recommend that you start forgiving him for his past unjust behavior toward you first and then toward loved ones who were abused. You can forgive him for hurt to others because this hurts you to see them emotionally and physically wounded.
As you forgive him for past injustices, your anger is likely to reduce. Right now you are classically conditioned to his past behavior. You associate certain things now (a slammed cabinet door) with his past violence. That link between loud noises and feeling unsafe is likely to ease for you as you forgive him. Please keep in mind that it could take months of forgiveness work to accomplish your goal of beginning to feel safe. This is ok. A few months or more is better than living with years of resentment and the unsafe feeling that accompanies this. I wish you the very best in your forgiveness journey.
