Ask Dr. Forgiveness
My father abandoned our family when I was 6 years old. I am now grown, in college, and he has come around now that the pressure is off. He wants to establish a relationship with me, but I do not even know him. Does it seem kind of phony to now go ahead with this?
It is never too late to forgive. You see your father’s mistakes. I think that he sees them, too. You surely have a right to your anger. At the same time, you could give your father a huge gift of mercy and aid your own emotional healing if you have mercy on him and forgiveness. It will take a strong will and courage for you to do this. You will know if and when you are ready.
What is the one book you would recommend for me as I adjust to a recent and messy divorce?
In the context of your “messy divorce,” I would recommend my book, The Forgiving Life, because it involves a Socratic dialogue between Sophia and Inez regarding a marital conflict that Inez is experiencing. The insights in the dialogue might give you insights into your own emotional-healing process. I wish you the very best in your courageous journey of healing.
Someone said to me recently that forgiveness is wrong because it asks too much of the victim. I saw your response to this in the blog post of August 4. Yet, don’t you think that an over-emphasis on forgiveness could put an excessive burden on the victim in that there is family and peer pressure to forgive even if the victim is not ready to do this?
Forgiveness is not the culprit in your example. When people put pressure on another person to forgive, then the problem lies with those so pressuring. Forgiveness itself has nothing to do with such pressure. Forgiveness is innocent of the charges.
I thought I had completely forgiven my “ex” and last night I had a dream that reawakened all of my anger. I had forgiven, maybe, a year ago. Now here I am again fuming. Do you have a suggestion for me to really get over this and forgive permanently?
We have to realize that forgiveness, as the late Lewis Smedes said, is an imperfect enterprise for imperfect people. It is common to have forgiven and then to be triggered by something unexpected, whether it is a dream or meeting the person for the first time, as examples. Because you already know the path of forgiveness, I recommend that you get your backpack on again, and your hiking shoes, and travel the forgiveness road once again. This time it may be quicker with deeper results. And please do not be discouraged if and when you have another trigger for your anger in the months or years ahead. Go on the forgiveness journey once again.
It seems that forgiveness is very different for Jewish and Christian people. For example, Jewish people tend to want an apology before they forgive. Christian people tend to talk about unconditional forgiveness. Are these two approaches very different?
If one person requires an apology before forgiving and another person practices unconditional forgiving, this does not necessarily imply a large difference in their understanding of forgiveness. For Jewish and Christian people, forgiveness is an act of mercy toward a person or people who have acted unjustly toward the forgiver. In both monotheistic traditions, people see that all persons are made in the image and likeness of God. This insight makes forgiveness appropriate because even those who behave badly are made in that image.
Please keep in mind that some in the Jewish tradition practice unconditional forgiveness, as Joseph did when forgiving his brothers in the book of Genesis. Some Christians require an apology before they forgive. In terms of the essence of what forgiveness is, however, people from both traditions tend to share the understanding that to forgive is to practice love and mercy toward the wrongdoer.
