Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Is there a difference between forgiving and wishing someone well? I wish my ex-husband well, but I am still very angry with him because he broke the marriage covenant.

The late Lewis Smedes in his book, Forgive and Forget, made the point that people are starting to forgive when they wish the other person well.  Thus, you likely are at the beginning of forgiveness and this is a positive step.  Now you need to press onward toward deeper forgiveness.  Try to see your ex-husband’s worth; try to see his emotional wounds which might have contributed to the break-up; try to be aware of any compassion that may be growing in you as you do this work.  The result, based on our research, likely will be reduced anger.

My husband is really “into” forgiveness, reading lots of books and viewing documentaries. He has had a big problem with his mother since he was young. He now says that he forgives her completely but I can sense the anger deep in him. His pride, I think, is keeping him from the truth that he still needs work on forgiving. What do you suggest?

Denial of anger, especially toward a parent, is not uncommon.  There is a little test of forgiveness, the Personal Forgiveness Scale, in Appendix C of the book, The Forgiving Life.  You might want to ask your husband to fill this out first on his employer (as a warm-up to familiarize himself with the scale).  Then ask him to fill it out toward his mother as he thinks of one incident that he deems as unfair from the past.  The explanation of the scores is in Chapter 9, starting on page 156.  If he scores between 18 and 63, he likely has some forgiveness work to do.  He should then consider doing some of the work in Chapter 10 of that book.

What if there is no justice in place to protect you? Perhaps, it is a problem with justice not forgiveness, but do you still recommend forgiveness even if justice is not available to protect you? Why or why not?

Are you asking this?—What if the boss is obnoxious and you want to leave?  The old job with this boss is bad for you and there is no better job on the horizon.  Might forgiving the boss keep you in an unhealthy job?  I do not think that forgiveness is a weakness here.  You can forgive and then perhaps, with reduced anger, ask for a more just situation with the boss.  In this case, forgiveness may help you to seek fairness where, right now, justice does not exist.  Your trying to **create** a just situation, after you forgive, may be your protection.

If I forgive over and over, might the one forgiven start taking advantage of me? Might it be better to take a longer time to forgive so the other has to wait for it and realize they hurt you?

Aristotle reminds us that no moral virtue should ever be practiced in isolation from the other virtues.  If this is true, then it is true of forgiveness as well because it is moral virtue.  The key moral virtue that should accompany forgiveness is justice so that we are not exploited.  Thus, we need not wait to forgive lest the other take advantage of us.  We can forgive now and ask for justice now.  When we forgive, our request for justice might be kinder than if we were burning with resentment.

Forgiveness does not mean staying in an abusive relationship, right? What if the offender is your boss? You want to forgive him/her, but not to get hurt again, you now want to leave the relationship–not without a consequence though because now you’re losing your job. Perhaps, I can ask the same question regarding married couples too. You forgive your abusive partner, but not to get hurt again, you want to leave the relationship, which oftentimes has many negative consequences. Justice is to be practiced alongside forgiveness, but what if you lose more (and are wronged further) by practicing both forgivenss and justice?

The key words in the question are these: “but not to get hurt again.”  When we seek justice we do not necessarily have as our goal “not getting hurt again.”  If we fail to try to reconcile because of possible hurt, then we are misunderstanding what it means to reconcile.  Most people will get hurt by bosses and spouses again because we are all imperfect.

I think the key to an answer here is this:  Does the offending person show the “three r’s” of remorse, repentance, and recompense?  In other words, is there inner sadness (remorse) for what he or she did?  Is there language that suggests this sorrow (repentance)? And is there an attempt by the offending person to do something about a grave offense (recompense)?  Yes, there may be negative consequences when quitting a job or leaving a marriage and so one must not do so too quickly and especially because of the issue of being hurt again.  If the offender consistently offends and shows no hint of instituting the “three r’s,” then staying in the job may be more hurtful than leaving.  In the case of marriage, if the other is a consistent offender over a period of years, say, and is showing no hint of “the three r’s,” then one has to question whether there is a valid marriage, which, depending on one’s particular religious beliefs, can be determined by religious authorities.